Chapter 13
BUCKINGHAM PALACE
E.J. and Melchett entered the throne room to find Stefano, Darling, and the Queen.
E.J.: Father.
STEFANO: Yes?
MELCHETT: Yes?
E.J.: No, no, I meant father as in my father, not reverend.
MELCHETT: Oh, so sorry.
STEFANO: Elvis, my boy. Good to see you.
E.J.: Good to see you too, father.
E.J. knelt down in front of the Queen.
E.J.: Your Majesty.
QUEEN: Mr. Elvis DiMera.
E.J.: Rev. Melchett and I have news. News of a most disturbing nature.
QUEEN: We shall hear it.
E.J.: While the good reverend was showing me around the palace this afternoon, we passed Lord Blackadder's room. There, he and his two minions were talking about a plot to dethrone you and have him usurp the throne using forged documents claiming me to be your son.
QUEEN: Melchett, is this true?
MELCHETT: Indeed it is, Majesty. I heard it with my own two ears. Blackadder's been lying to us from the start about this man being your son.
DARLING: I knew it! My lady, I suggest we have Lord Blackadder executed. If nothing else, this crime is worth a court martial, at the least.
QUEEN: Calm down, Darling. There's no need to talk of executions just yet. Elvis, what proof have you of this?
E.J.: Plenty, Your Majesty. You see, in the last few years, I have taken a leaf from the book of one of the greatest American presidents ever: Richard Nixon, Mr. Nixon would tape all of his conversations, as they might be useful later. I now do the same. Every conversation I have goes down on this little tape recorder.
E.J. pulls out the tape recorder.
QUEEN: Play it for us, please.
E.J. pushes a button. We hear heavy breathing.
E.J. (on tape recorder): Oh, Samantha.
SAMI (on tape recorder): You been a bad boy? You need to be punished, E.J.?
E.J. (on tape recorder): Mm, yes.
E.J. quickly turns the tape off, his face bright red.
E.J.: I'm sorry you all had to hear that. That was...well, let's just forget we ever heard it, shall we? This should be the right spot.
E.J. presses another button.
BALDRICK (on tape recorder): What I'm confused about, my lord, is: is there any proof that that Elvy boy actually is yours and the Queen's, or did you make all that up?
BLACKADDER (on tape recorder): Of course there's no proof, Baldrick. But, the Queen needn't know that. Neither does anyone else?
GEORGE (on tape recorder): Well, my great goodness with shiny brass knobs, however did you come up with a sneaky old plot like that, Blackadder?
BLACKADDER (on tape recorder): Simple enough, George. I had to find some English twit who I could bring back here with me. Forge a few documents with the Queen's signature, present them to the Queen, and voilá! A first row seat to being the king of England.
BALDRICK (on tape recorder): But, if you're not actually related to the Queen, how are you going to be king?
BLACKADDER (on tape recorder): By lying. That's why we're going off to find Lord Flashheart. He and I are good friends, so he'll go along with whatever I want him to. He will convince the Queen that she's E.J.'s mother, and I'm his father. Naturally, after all the embarrassment he's caused, Lizzie would never allow Charles to be on the throne. She'll skip right over him to E.J. Now, because E.J. hasn't grown up being groomed as a royal, he'll have no idea what to do, so I'll swoop in to save the day. I will usurp the throne and begin my glorious reign as Edmund, King of England.
QUEEN: Well, it seems that we shall be having a talk with Lord Blackadder.
At that moment, Blackadder, Baldrick and George entered the room.
BLACKADDER: What about Lord Blackadder?
