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Post by Kpatch on Feb 2, 2011 20:53:22 GMT -5
PRELUDE
Once upon a time, Wicked Queen Kate was so jealous of her gorgeous stepdaughter Snow White, that she hired someone named Chris to kill the young woman. The inexperienced hit man took pity on Snow White and couldn’t go through with the murder. Instead, he drove her to a coal mining town in West Virginia and warned her never to return to Salem.
She wandered around town the whole night long until she was so tired that she fell asleep on the ground outside a mine shaft.
The next morning, seven dwarfs on their way to work at Titan Coal Mines came upon the homeless young woman. They took pity on her and brought her back to their cabin. They invited her to stay, asking only that she cook and clean for them as payment for her room and board.
Cast of Characters:
Snow White - Chloe
Evil Queen - Kate
Sneezy - Max
Sleepy - Daniel
Dopey - Lucas
Doc - Dr. Baker
Happy - Philip
Bashful - Will
Grumpy - Victor
TUNE IN FOR THE START OF THIS 4-CHAPTER MINISERIES INSPIRED BY KATE AND THE POISON PÂTÉ.
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Copyright ©2009 kpatch. All rights reserved.
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Post by Kpatch on Feb 2, 2011 20:54:01 GMT -5
BEHIND THE SCENES
Molly [on the phone with Dorkay]: We have a huge problem, Dick, a huuuuuge problem.
Dorkay: Who’s this?
Molly: It’s me, Molly.
Dorkay: Molly Molly Molly. I told you that I hate it when you call me and just start talking without saying who it is. It’s a tad pompous and egotistical of you to think I automatically recognize your voice.
Molly: Sorry, Dick.
Dick: So, what can I do for my favorite drama queen? Where are you?
Molly: I’m at the Hollywood Bowl. The cast is about to do their benefit performance of Snow White.
Dorkay: I know I’m going to be sorry I asked, but what’s the problem?
Molly: Daniel’s dwarf costume doesn’t fit!
Dorkay: Did you call Wardrobe?
Molly: Yes, the seamstresses are letting out his pants, but he’s in Scene I, and they won’t be ready in time.
Dorkay: That’s no big deal. Just have him stand behind someone or something, so that the audience can’t see him.
Molly: That’s a great idea! Thanks, Dick. But ... there’s something else.
Dorkay: What else?
Molly: The narrator called in sick.
Dorkay: I see. Think Molly, girl. What would Dick Dorkay do at a time like this?
Molly: Uh. You’d hand me the microphone and tell me that I’m the narrator?
Dorkay: Precisely!
Scene I
Cast of Characters:
Snow White - Chloe
Evil Queen - Kate
Sneezy - Max
Sleepy - Daniel
Dopey - Lucas
Doc - Dr. Baker
Happy - Philip
Bashful - Will
Grumpy - Victor
Molly the Narrator: Once upon a time, Wicked Queen Kate was so jealous of her gorgeous stepdaughter Snow White, that she hired an assistant named Chris to kill the young woman. The inexperienced hit man couldn’t go through with the murder. Instead, he drove Snow White to a coal mining town in West Virginia and warned her never to return to Salem.
Snow White wandered around town the whole night long until she was so tired that she fell asleep on the ground outside a mine shaft.
The next morning, seven dwarfs on their way to work at Titan Coal Mines came upon the homeless young woman. They took pity on her and brought her back to their cabin. They invited her to stay, asking only that she cook and clean for them as payment for her room and board.
This is their story.
THE DWARF’S CABIN
Snow White: Good morning Sleepy Daniel.
Sleepy: Good morning, beautiful!
Grumpy: Ha! I find it quite interesting, Daniel, that you never used to be Sleepy before Snow White started living here.
Snow White: Good morning, Grumpy Victor.
Grumpy: What’s “good” about it?
Snow White: The birds are singing, the sun is shining, it’s a glorious day.
Grumpy: That was a rhetorical question. You’re always so happy, Snow White.
Snow White: Aw, gee, thank you Grumpy.
Grumpy: I hate happy people.
Happy: Good morning everyone!
Snow White: I’m glad you’re always so happy, Happy Philip. I love seeing those dimples when you smile.
Grumpy: Have you found your own place yet?
Snow White: I’m not looking for my own place.
Grumpy: Crap!
Snow White: The other dwarfs seem to want me to stay here.
Grumpy: That’s because they’re all sleeping in your bed.
Snow White: They are not!
Happy: No, you’re getting her mixed up with Goldilocks.
Grumpy: If the shoe fits...
Happy: Now you’re thinking of Cinderella.
Grumpy: Well they sure as hell don’t want her to stay because of her cooking.
Snow White: They LOVE my cooking.
Grumpy: Ha! That’s what YOU think. Those elves will say anything to get into your...
Snow White: Grumpy! Watch your language! That’s a terrible thing to say.
Grumpy: How did you get the name Snow White anyway? Village Tramp would be a better name. You haven’t been snow white since the year 1,000 B.C.
Bashful: That’s not nice, Grumpy!
Snow White: Bashful Will, why don’t you go outside and play. You’re too young to be listening to this kind of bullsh--.
Bashful: Okay. But why can’t Grumpy be nice once in a while?
Grumpy: They aren’t paying me to be nice!
BEHIND THE SCENES
Molly: Dick, this is Molly. I need you to send someone over from the Props Department. The Scenery guy went home sick with the stomach flu.
Dick: Okay okay okay. Keep your shirt on. I’ll see if I can threaten someone to come over to the Hollywood Bowl on short notice.
Molly: Thanks Dick! You’re a peach.
Molly the Narrator: To be continued...
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Post by Kpatch on Feb 2, 2011 20:55:19 GMT -5
BEHIND THE SCENES
Molly: Where’s my prop guy?
Chris: I’m here sweetie. What do you need?
Molly: Oh, thank heavens you’re here, Chris. Daniel just had a fitting and the seamstress says his pants still aren’t big enough.
Chris: Ooh goodie. That means Daniel will continue to parade around half naked.
Molly: No no no. What it means is that you have to keep making sure that he’s hiding behind some prop or other. Can you do that?
Chris: Sugar, can pigs fly?
Molly: No.
Chris: Honey, have you lost your sense of humor? It’s just a saying, sweetie.
Molly: Sorry Chris. I’m a nervous wreck. Live performances are just so much more taxing.
Chris: No worries, bubbala. I’ll get you a cup of Earl Grey tea. That’ll calm you right down.
Molly: Thanks Chris. Say Chris, you DO know that your role in the show as Queen Kate’s hit man is over. And you don’t have any more scenes. So why are you dressed in a dwarf costume?
Chris: This old thing? Sugar, it’s not a costume. I wear this all the time. Now what do you need me to move and where?
Molly: Start with the mirror. It needs to be hung on that wall over there.
Scene I
Cast of Characters:
Snow White - Chloe
Evil Queen - Kate
Sneezy - Max
Sleepy - Daniel
Dopey - Lucas
Doc - Dr. Baker
Happy - Philip
Bashful - Will
Grumpy - Victor
THE QUEEN’S CASTLE
Queen Kate: Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?
Mirror: Queen Kate, you are dazzling with your rainbow-colored hair; but Snow White is still, by far, the fairest of the fair.
Queen Kate: What did you say???
Mirror: You heard me.
Queen Kate: That can’t be! Snow White is dead.
Mirror: Alas, she is not!
Queen Kate: I saw to her demise myself!
Mirror: Liar, liar, pants on fire.
Queen Kate: Well ... I hired someone. An incompetent boob!
Mirror: If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.
Queen Kate: You’re damn straight! Where is she? Where is Snow White?
Mirror: Let me turn on my GPS Tracker and get the coordinates for you.
Scene II
THE DWARF’S CABIN
Sneezy: What are you doing, Happy?
Happy: I’m adding up our second quarter revenues. Titan Coal Mines has made a 25% profit.
Grumpy: Check your numbers again, lame brain!
Happy: I checked them three times.
Grumpy: You need to subtract the class action lawsuit payouts due to allegations of black lung disease.
Happy: Uh oh, that means we’re operating at a deficit. The shareholders will be P-O'ed.
Sneezy: Achoo!
Snow White: Bless you Sneezy Max! Is that coal dust bothering your allergies again?
Sneezy: Achoo! Yes.
Grumpy: Ah, stuff a sock in it.
Sneezy: I gotta get me some more Claritin.
Dopey: I’m going to the mall today, Sneezy. I’ll get you some.
Sneezy: Thanks, Dopey!
Snow White: Could you drive me into town too, Dopey? I need to buy some fresh produce. I’m going to bake a pie later today.
Molly the Narrator: To be continued...
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Post by Kpatch on Feb 2, 2011 20:57:06 GMT -5
Cast of Characters:
Snow White - Chloe
Evil Queen - Kate
Sneezy - Max
Sleepy - Daniel
Dopey - Lucas
Doc - Dr. Baker
Happy - Philip
Bashful - Will
Grumpy - Victor
Scene I
THE FARMERS MARKET
Queen Kate disguised as a peddler woman: Can I help you, my pretty?
Snow White: I need a pound of blueberries to make a pie. But these are so expensive. Five dollars for this teeny tiny little pint??? It would cost me $25 just to make a pie for the eight of us.
Peddler Woman: The reason they’re so expensive is because blueberries aren’t in season right now. Why don’t you make an apple pie instead?
Snow White: Hmmm, the dwarfs do like my apple pies. Are these apples fresh?
Peddler Woman: I picked them myself this morning. Try this one and tell me if it isn’t the LAST thing...I mean the BEST thing you’ve ever eaten.
Molly the Narrator: Snow White takes a bite of the apple and falls to the ground. The queen scurries away.
BEHIND THE SCENES
Molly: Nadia! What’s the matter? Are you hurt?
Nadia: Dammit. I broke a nail when I fell. Medic! I need a medic!
Molly: Can you continue the performance?
Nadia: I guess so. I mean, as long as I don’t have to do too much.
Molly: You don’t have much to do at all. Pretty much, you just lie there. The dwarfs will carry you.
Nadia: Well, then, I guess I can manage.
Molly: You’re a true professional, Nadia. A real trooper! You go girl!
Scene II
LATER AT THE DWARF’S CABIN
Molly the Narrator: Dopey carries Snow White into the cabin.
Dopey: Quick, call 8-2-2!
Sneezy: You mean 9-1-1?
Sleepy: What happened to Snowy?
Dopey: I think she’s dead.
Sleepy: Someone, call a doctor!
Molly the Narrator: Doc Baker comes rushing in.
Doc: Oh dear, oh dear. What ever happened to our lovely Miss White?
Dopey: You mean what happened to the lovely BETTY White? After Password Plus got cancelled, she played Sue Ann Nivens in the Mary Tyler Moore Show. She later became one of TV's Golden Girls....
Doc: Oy. Bashful, can YOU tell me what happened?
Bashful: Uh, I don’t know. Um, we came back from the pharmacy and um she was just lying on the ground near uh the produce stand.
Sneezy: Did you get me the Claritin?
Doc: Quick, bring her into my examining room.
Molly the Narrator: The dwarfs take Snow White into the other room. Doc is gone a long while. Eventually, he emerges looking Grimm ... I mean grim.
Sleepy: How is she, Doc?
Doc: She’s gone.
Dopey: Where did she go?
Doc: No, you imbicile! She’s dead.
Happy: Oh no, not Snowy!
Sleepy: But her eyes are wide open!
Doc: Sometimes people die with their eyes open.
Sleepy: She looks exactly the same as she did when she was alive.
Sneezy: Are you crying Grumpy?
Grumpy: Oh shut up!
Bashful: You don’t look very happy, Happy.
Happy: I may never smile again.
Molly the Narrator: To be continued.... Tune in Thursday for the Finale and Friday for the all-important Epilogue.
Dorkay: All-important Epilogue? Who's my little drama queen?
Molly: Uh, that would be me.
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Post by Kpatch on Feb 2, 2011 20:58:22 GMT -5
Cast of Characters:
Snow White - Chloe
Evil Queen - Kate
Prince - Brady
Sneezy - Max
Sleepy - Daniel
Dopey - Lucas
Doc - Dr. Baker
Happy - Philip
Bashful - Will
Grumpy - Victor
Scene I
THE DWARF’S CABIN
Sleepy: How is she, Doc?
Doc: She’s gone.
Dopey: Where did she go?
Doc: No, you imbicile! She’s dead.
Happy: Oh no, not Snowy!
Sneezy: Are you crying, Grumpy?
Grumpy: Oh shut up!
Bashful: You don’t look very happy, Happy.
Happy: I may never smile again.
Scene II
Molly the Narrator: And so it came to pass that the dwarfs fashioned a glass coffin for Snow White that was climate controlled to keep her body cool and fresh as a daisy. It also had digital cable TV and Musak. The seven dwarfs held a truly lovely memorial service for Snow White and left her coffin on display in the front yard so others in the community could come pay their respects.
Scene III
Molly the Narrator: Lo, a few days later, a handsome young prince whose Beemer (no, not Brandon) had a flat tire, came by and happened to notice the glass coffin on the lawn.
Prince Brady: What do we have here? Oh my stars. This dead beauty bears an uncanny resemblance to my first wife. She also had that deer-in-the-headlights look.
Molly the Narrator: He gently lifts the lid to the coffin, startling the dwarfs inside the cabin. The seven dwarfs make their way outside and see Prince Brady kiss Snow White.
Sleepy: Hey, that’s MY woman! Now cut that out!
Molly the Narrator: Suddenly, inexplicably, Snow White’s eyelashes start to flutter. She opens her eyes and sees Prince Brady standing over her.
Snow White: Hi, handsome. Come here often?
Prince Brady: My name is Prince Brady Black. What’s your name?
Snow White: Snow White.
Molly the Narrator: Prince Brady lifts Snow White out of the coffin and carries her toward his Beemer. The Queen, who has been hiding behind a tree, suddenly appears.
Queen Kate: Where do you think you’re taking her?
Prince Brady: Who the hell are you?
Snow White: That’s the evil Queen Kate I was telling you about. She’s made several attempts on my life already!
Molly the Narrator: Grumpy and Dopey head for the well to fetch a pail of water.
Grumpy: I’ve been wanting to do this for years.
Molly the Narrator: Dumpy and Gropey ... I mean Grumpy and Dopey dowse evil Queen Kate with the bucket of water.
Queen Kate: Help, I’m melting. Oh the humanity. Oh, my hair. I’ll get you my pretty ... if it’s the last thing I do. And your mangy dog too.
Molly the Narrator: The evil queen goes up in flames, then melts into a big fat puddle of nothing.
Prince Brady [to Snow]: Are you ready to go?
Snow White: You betcha. Can we stop at MacDonalds? I’m starving.
Molly the Narrator: Prince Brady changes the flat tire and off they go, as the dwarfs bid them fare thee well.
Scene IV
Molly the Narrator: Soon afterward, Snow White and Prince Brady Black were married with all the dwarfs serving as groomsmen. Brady and Snowy opened a chain of clothing stores called “Black and White Boutiques,” with the flagship store located in the old Titan Coal Mine. The Prince and Snow White hired the dwarfs as sales clerks.
And they lived happily ever after ... well, all except for Grumpy, who’s never happy unless he’s grumpy. The end.
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Post by fluffysmom on Apr 20, 2011 23:09:15 GMT -5
I love it a Days fairy tale...Kpatch style!
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Post by ghoulgirl on May 5, 2011 0:00:39 GMT -5
Ha ha I loved this story. It was a fun read. I also loved the Grimm Brothers and Wizard of Oz references!  |
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