Roman Holiday (Read 617 times)

[Kpatch]

Chapter 1

SALEM POLICE DEPARTMENT

Roman [answering the phone]: Y’ello.
Myrtle: Roman, it’s Moitle in Poysonnel.
Roman: What did I do now?
Myrtle: Are you aware of the new policy?
Roman: Which new policy?
Myrtle [reading the policy]: “Effective immediately, there will be no pay for unused vacation time. Employees may roll over only one week of unused vacation time into the next calendar year.”
Roman: What da??? How many vacation days do I have left?
Myrtle: You have 2,487 unused vacation days.
Roman: There’s only a few weeks left in 2009. There’s no way in hell dat I can use dem all by da end of da year.
Myrtle: Hahahahahahahaha. Good luck with “dat.” [She hangs up.]
Roman: Damn.
Bo: What’s the matter?
Roman: I gotta go on vacation. Now!
[Roman leaves as Hope arrives.]
Hope: What’s his problem?
Bo: He has to use up all his vacation time before the end of the year.
Hope: Poor Roman, having to go on vacation all by himself. He won’t have much fun.
Bo: I know. But he has no choice.

To be continued…

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Copyright ©2009 kpatch. All rights reserved.

[Kpatch]

SALEM AIRWAYS JET, Seat 15A

Stewardess: Would you like a beverage, sir?
Roman: Bring me a Bloody Mary, a Gin and Tonic, a Rum and Coke, and a Bud Light. Thanks.


MONTEGO BAY AIRPORT

Taxi Driver: Hey mon. Where you goin’?
Roman: Take me to Versailles.
Driver: Versailles? That’s in France, mon.
Roman: Isn’t this Paris?
Driver: No mon.
Roman: Then take me to the leaning tower of Pisa.
Driver: This ain’t Italy, mon. You in Jamaica.
Roman: Then take me to the rum factory.
Driver: Ya mon. No problem.


THAT NIGHT

[Roman wakes up in an alley. He sees two men harassing a woman and comes to her rescue.]
Roman: I wouldn’t do that if I were you.
Thug: Mind your own business, mon.
Roman: Leave the lady alone.
Thug: This ain’t no lady.
Roman: I’m warning you.
[The thugs and Roman start fighting. Roman knocks the two men unconscious and the woman runs to his side.]
Woman: Thank you mister. Thank you. Thank you.
Roman: No thanks necessary, ma’am. It’s all in a day’s work.
Woman: Let me show you my gratitude. Where are you staying, mon?
Roman: Um. I’m not sure.
Woman: Come. You’ll stay with me. No charge.
Roman: I like da sound of dat.

To be continued...

[Kpatch]

SALEM AIRWAYS JET, Seat 12F

Stewardess: Would you like a beverage, sir?
Roman: Bring me another shot of courage.
Stewardess: Pardon me?
Roman: Get me two Bloody Marys, two Gin and Tonics, two Rum and Cokes, and a Bud Light. Thanks.


COSTA RICA

Taxi Driver: Where to?
Roman: Take me to ... wait a minute. Don’t I know you?
Driver: Um. Not me, mon.
Roman: Dat accent’s a phony! You’re Baker. Dr. Richard Baker.
Driver: Who told you that? I mean, haha, I get that a lot, mon. I’m not really him. We just look alike. Where to, buddy?
Roman: Take me to the nearest bungee jump!


BORA BORA

Tour Guide: Have you ever swam with the sharks before?
Roman: Do the Dimeras count?
Tour Guide: I am not familiar with that species of shark.
Roman: Well, sweetheart, I’d like to show you a few other things you’ve never seen before. What time do you get off?
Tour Guide: I’m off in an hour.
Roman: How about it, sweetheart? Wanna climb the Roman Alps?
Tour Guide: I’d love to.


VICTORIA FALLS, ZIMBABWE

Steve: Roman, is that you?
Roman: Hey Patchman! What’s goin’ on?
Steve: What are you doing in Africa, man?
Roman: I’m taking a whirlwind vacation.
Steve: Kayla will be so surprised. You gotta come over for dinner.
Roman: I wish I could, but I don’t have time. Tell her I said hi.

[Roman climbs to the top of the falls and dives off.]
Roman: Wheeeeeeeee. Wooohooo. <splash>


To be continued ...

[Kpatch]

SALEM AIRWAYS JET, Seat 7B

Stewardess: Would you like a beverage, sir?
Roman: Bring me three Bloody Marys, three Gin and Tonics, three Rum and Cokes, and a Bud Light. Thanks.


MONTE CARLO CASINO

Dealer: Monsieur, you have a lot of money on zee table. Do you want to take your winnings?
Roman: Let it ride!
Julie: Roman! I thought that was you.
Roman: Hey Julie. Hey Doug.
Doug: Looks like you’re on a winning streak, my man.
Roman: Don’t break my concentration.
Julie: How about having a drink with us?
Roman: Can’t. Busy.
Doug: He asked us not to break his concentration, Fair Lady.
Julie: I’m sorry.
Doug: Let’s go. We’ll see you later, Roman.
Roman: Uh huh.


SWISS ALPS

Marlena: Roman, is that you???
Roman: Hey, what’s up Doc?
Marlena: I didn’t know you were in Switzerland. Why didn’t you let me know you were coming?
Roman: Sorry, no time. I have vacation days to use up and I have to cover as much ground as possible in the shortest time. Where’s John?
Marlena: He’s in the ski chalet. Why don’t you come inside and have a hot toddy with us?
Roman: What part of "Sorry, no time" didn't you understand?
Marlena: You’re not going to try this ski jump, are you?
Roman: Why not?
Marlena: This is for experts. Professional skiers.
Roman: Watch me!
Marlena <gasp!>: Roman!!! Nooooo!!!!
Roman: Wheeeeeeeee. Wooohooo. <shplop>


To be continued....

[Kpatch]

SALEM AIRWAYS JET, Seat 16D

Stewardess: Would you like a beverage, sir?
Roman: Bring me four Bloody Marys, four Gin and Tonics, four Rum and Cokes, and a Bud Light. Thanks.


YANGTZE RIVER, CHINA

Tour Guide: Have you ever gone white river rafting before?
Roman: Yes, in the states.
Tour Guide: That’s nothing compared to our Yangtze!
Roman: I got something you’ve probably never seen before. How about I take you on a tour of Roman’s rivers.
Tour Guide: I get off in an hour.
Roman: Looks like I’ll get off in about an hour after dat.


LHASA, TIBET

Roman: Wow, this is really high up.
Dalai Lama: Have you ever been to Shangri-la before?
Roman: I’ll say! When I was married to Marlena ... there was this one night that was off the charts!
Dalai Lama: Excellent. Tell me about it, my son.


ATLANTIS HOTEL, DUBAI

Adrienne: Roman, is that you?
Roman: That it is.
Adrienne: What are you doing here?
Roman: I’m gonna take a ride on that Leap of Faith water slide thingie.
Adrienne: That’s a 90 foot vertical drop!
Roman: Thank you Mr. Fodor.
Adrienne: I’m just sayin’.
Roman: This is nothing compared to some of the places I’ve been and things I’ve done. Say, what are YOU doing here?
Adrienne: I work here at the Atlantis. Could you do me a favor when you get back to Salem? Could you take a message to Justin for me?
Roman: Sorry, no can do. Too busy. <He jumps.>

[To see Roman going down the slide, click here:
]


To be continued ...

[Kpatch]

SALEM AIRWAYS, Seat 15A

Stewardess: Can I get you a beverage, sir?
Roman: No thanks.
Stewardess: Are you going to Salem for a visit?
Roman: I’m headed home.
Stewardess: Salem is my home base too. Maybe we can get together sometime.
Roman: I like da sound of dat. I can show you what’s left of Roman’s ruins.
Stewardess: Here’s a complimentary headset for you.
Roman: Thanks, sweetheart.
[Roman puts on his headset. Please listen to the song that’s playing:

]


To be continued. Tune in for the finale...

[Kpatch]

SALEM POLICE DEPARTMENT, January 2nd

Bo: Hey hey Roman! Welcome back!
Roman: Thanks, little brother.
Bo: We missed you over the holidays. Did you have a good vacation?
Roman: Little brother, I had the time of my life. It was an absolute blast. A thrill a minute.
Bo: No kidding!
Roman: I did some things that I always wanted to do and never thought I would. I met a few fine ladies along the way too. I skied the Alps, kayaked the Amazon, bungeed in the rainforest, rafted down the Yangtze, beat the house in Monte Carlo...
Bo: That’s unbelievable.
Roman: I’ll bring over my videos later this week.
Bo: Great. Can’t wait to see them.
Roman: I’d better get to work. Catch you later, little brother.
[He leaves as Hope arrives.]
Hope: Did I just see Roman? Is he back?
Bo: He is indeed.
Hope: Did he have a good vacation?
Bo: He says he did, but ...
Hope: But what?
Bo: You should have tasted the bowl of blarney he just fed me.
Hope: Really?
Bo: I think he didn’t want to admit how sad and lonely he is.
Hope: Poor Roman. He never gets to have any fun.


The End

[fluffysmom]

Finally Roman gets some action and has a story!

[ghoulgirl]

I LOVE Roman. Loved reading about his whirlwind holiday. That was a really fun story jkjpatch! Thanks!