As Read on Car Talk (Read 1,423 times)

[André DiMera]

Car Talk was (and still is) a radio program on NPR. It ran weekly on Saturday mornings. The hosts were Tom and Ray Magliozzi, also known as Click and Clack the Tappet Brothers. It was a weekly call in program where people would call the guys up with a car problem. Tom and Ray would spend the hour talking to people about their car problems, as well as other problems in their lives, such as relationships. The guys were hilarious! Both were graduates of MIT, and owned their own mechanic shop, but they could joke about almost anything. They had a great sense of humor. Though the show had been on an indefinite hiatus, running in repeats since early 2014, sadly, the show no longer airs new episodes as of November 2014, when Tom passed away at the age of 77. The show does still air in repeats every Saturday morning, but no new material has been produced since the weekend after Tom's death.

Apart from answering caller's problems with cars/relationships/etc., cracking wise, and just generally having a great time, the guys would often receive mail and read it live on the show. Sometimes, this mail would have to do with cars. Often, it wouldn't. However, it would always be hilarious!

In this thread, I will be posting some of my favorite letters ever read on Car Talk. Others are able to do so, if they wish. I will be starting out with one I just found recently.

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The Worst Opening Line in Literature?

Since 1982 the English department at San Jose State University has sponsored the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, a whimsical literary competition that challenges entrants to compose the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels. Here are this year's winners.

I got a big kick out of reading these. I figured you might want to use them on the show. Enjoy.

Paul Houston

10) "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber he would never hear the end of it."

9) "Just beyond the Narrows the river widens."

8) "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes,perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straightnose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."

7) "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the east wall: "Andre creep ... Andre creep ... Andre creep."

6) "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex change surgeon to become the woman he loved."

5) "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eking out a living at a local pet store."

4) "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then, penguins often do."

3) "Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."

2) "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word "fear," a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."

AND THE WINNER IS ...

1) "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, creptalong the green sward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed throughthe castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated,sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude ofthe frog's deception, screaming madly, "You lied!"

[Kpatch]

Those are hilarious André DiMera. Ron and I used to listen to Car Talk. It was a fun and original show. Thanks for posting.

[André DiMera]

I feel that this one needs a bit of explanation first before I post it. The letter that you're about to read was preceeded by a call that Tom and Ray took a few weeks previous. There was a man who was having trouble with the electric brakes on his cattle carrier. Though they started off confidently, they soon realized that neither had any idea about how electric brakes really work. To hear the call in full, click here.

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The Andy Letter

Andy R.
Marlboro, VT 05344

Dear Click and Clack,

I am writing to offer profound thanks to you for resolving an important philosophical question that has been heatedly debated for the last twenty years. The rumination began on a construction site one summer in the early 1970's, as my friend Jamie and I were working our way through college. The question we raised and have agonized over, lo these many years, is one that I've never read about in any philosophical treatise, and yet I have found it has applied to countless situations and conversations overheard in bars, repair shops, sporting events, political debates, etc. etc. etc.

Posit the question: Do two people who don't know what they are talking about know more or less than one person who doesn't know what he's talking about? (Pardon the un-PC masculine pronoun, but I have found this to be, most predominately, a male phenomenon.)

In your recent conversations regarding electric brakes on a cattle carrier, I believe you definitely answered this query and have put our debate to rest. Amazingly enough, you proved that even in a case where one person might know nothing about a subject, it is possible for two people to know even less!

One person will only go so far out on a limb in his construction of deeply hypothetical structures, and will often end with a shrug or a raising of hands to indicate the dismissability of his particular take on a subject. With two people, the intricacies, the gives and takes, the wherefores and why-nots, can become a veritable pas-de-deux of breathtaking speculation, interwoven in such a way that apologies or gestures of doubt are rendered unnecessary.

I had always suspected this was the case, but no argument I could have built from my years of observation would have so satisfyingly closed the door on the subject as your performance on the cattle carrier call. To begin your comments by saying, "We'll answer your question if you tell us how electric brakes work" and "We've never heard of electric brakes" and then indulge in lengthy theoretical hypostulations on the whys and wherefores of the caller's problem allowed me to observe that you were finally putting this gnarly question to rest.

I am forever indebted to you for the great service you have performed! I'm truly impressed that it took so many years of listening to your show to finally have this matter resolved.

Sincerely,
Andy R.

P.S. If you say hello to Jamie in Ojai, California, you'll save me a long distance phone call.

P.P.S. If you read this on the air, can you at least send me one of your cheap audio cassettes, so one day my grandchildren will know I accomplished something in my lifetime.

[André DiMera]

For this one, I actually found a clip of Tom and Ray reading it out over the air. Click here to listen to them as you read this.

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The Exercise Diaries

Dear Tom and Ray,

Knowing what devoted exercise aficionados you are, I know you will appreciate the following. Keep up the good work...er...um...well...keep up the work anyway. And if you read this on the air, PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE say my name. It would be the highlight of my life (which tells you just how pathetic my life is).

Yours truly,

Patti McGuire (yes, it's Patti with an "i")
Oakland, California

Exercise Diary

For my birthday this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic-clothing model.

My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started. They suggested I keep an "exercise diary" to chart my progress.


Day 1: Started the morning at 6:30 a.m. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about 10 points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit-ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT!

Day 2: Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worthwhile. Muscles ALL feel GREAT.

Day 3: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest, so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.

Day 4: Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late; it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank!

Day 5: I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there were any part of my body not in extreme pain, I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well, I have news for you, Tanya: I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage. YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or a social studies teacher?

Day 6: Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote, so I watched 11 straight hours of the Weather Channel.

Day 7: Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate for a root canal.

[UhSir]

My pick for the best opening sentence is #4.

So this explains why my local newspaper quit carrying the column. I loved reading it for their humor more than the car advice.

[André DiMera]

This is a rather enjoyable one. Wish I could find the guys reading it, as their reading of this was hilarious!

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The MIT Letter

Gentlemen:

Given your recent reading of the college application essay and your ties to that other (lesser) institution in Cambridge, I thought you might enjoy this.

Yours sincerely,
Stan McGee.

MIT certainly has a reputation to be proud of, but its admissions department went a little over-board, I think. The first letter is an honest-to-goodness mailing from MIT, the second is one prospective student's reply:


{C}
Mr. John T. Mongan
123 Main Street
Smalltown, California 94123-4567

Dear John:

You've got the grades. You've certainly got the PSAT scores. And now you've got a letter from MIT. Maybe you're surprised. Most students would be.

But you're not most students. And that's exactly why I urge you to consider carefully one of the most selective universities in America.

The level of potential reflected in your performance is a powerful indicator that you might well be an excellent candidate for MIT. It certainly got my attention!

Engineering's not for you? No problem. It may surprise you to learn we offer more than 40 major fields of study, from architecture to brain and cognitive sciences, from economics (perhaps the best program in the country) to writing.

What? Of course, you don't want to be bored. Who does? Life here *is* tough *and* demanding, but it's also *fun*. MIT students are imaginative and creative - inside and outside the classroom.

You're interested in athletics? Great! MIT has more varsity teams -39 - than almost any other university, and a tremendous intramural program so everybody can participate.

You think we're too expensive? Don't be too sure. We've got surprises for you there, too.

Why not send the enclosed Information Request to find out more about this unique institution? Why not do it right now?

Sincerely,

Michael C. Benhke
Director of Admissions

P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "Insight," just check the appropriate box on the form.

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May 5, 1994

Michael C. Behnke
MIT Director of Admissions
Office of Admissions, Room 3-108
Cambridge MA 02139-4307

Dear Michael:

You've got the reputation. You've certainly got the pomposity. And now you've got a letter from John Mongan. Maybe you're surprised. Most universities would be.

But you're not most universities. And that's exactly why I urge you to carefully consider one of the most selective students in America, so selective that he will choose only *one* of the thousands of accredited universities in the country.

The level of pomposity and lack of tact reflected in your letter is a powerful indicator that your august institution might well be a possibility for John Mongan's future education. It certainly got my attention!

Don't want Bio-Chem students? No problem. It may surprise you to learn that my interests cover over 400 fields of study, from semantics to limnology, from object-oriented programming (perhaps one of the youngest professionals in the country) to classical piano.

What? Of course you don't want egotistical jerks. Who does? I *am* self-indulgent *and* over confident, but I'm also amusing. John Mongan is funny and amusing - whether you're laughing with him or at him.

You're interested in athletes? Great! John Mongan has played more sports - 47 - than almost any other student, including oddball favorites such as Orienteering.

You think I can pay for your school? Don't be too sure. I've got surprises for you there, too.

Why not send a guaranteed admission and full scholarship to increase your chance of being selected by John Mongan? Why not do it right now?

Sincerely,
John Mongan

P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "John Mongan: What a Guy!" just ask.

[André DiMera]

I was listening back to some Car Talk CDs I have and found this little gem. It's a call from the mother of Car Talk's producer, Doug Berman. Enjoy!

[André DiMera]

And another two I've found of Tom talking about his days in the U.S. Army.

[André DiMera]

And one more that I've found. This caller didn't have a car problem at all. He had a dog problem. I won't spoil the ending for you, but it's a story that must be heard to be believed!

[André DiMera]

Bad Similes and Metaphors

[/center]
Dear Tom and Ray:

I really enjoyed these -- doesn't that just figure? I liked the last one best, though. : )

1. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)
2. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)
3. The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of "Jeopardy!" (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)
4. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington)
5. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. (Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington)
6. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. (Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington)
7. "Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1 a beer night. (Bonnie Speary Devore, Gaithersburg)
8. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. (John Kammer, Herndon)
9. Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. (Barbara Collier, Garrett Park)
10. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. (Susan Reese, Arlington)
11. It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before. (Marian Carlsson, Lexington)
12. The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton. (J. F. Knowles, Springfield)
13. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
14. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM. (Paul J. Kocak, Syracuse)
15. The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
16. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)
17. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. (Susan Reese, Arlington)
18. She was as easy as the "TV Guide" crossword. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
19. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
20. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)
21. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
22. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)
23. Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)
24. A branch fell from the tree like a trunk falling off an elephant. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
25. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)
26. The sardines were packed as tight as the coach section of a 747. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Steven Weed

[fluffysmom]

Too funny André DiMera. Number 7 was so true for college kids.

[André DiMera]

Thanks, fluffysmom! I'm glad you enjoyed it!

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Here's another great clip that I have in my collection. This is a clip of Tom and Ray telling a story about a guy who decided to drive with 18 sheets of plywood on top of his car, without tying them down, with disastrous, yet humorous, results.