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Post by slyn11 on Jul 24, 2011 2:50:32 GMT -5
2008...
The clang of the bell on the wreath that adorned Kate’s hospital room door signaled her moment had arrived. The last of her family had left for the evening as visiting hours came to an end. Room 323. She passed it every day, just to make sure that the room was still occupied. That the woman she loved more than almost anyone was still waging her battle. Without her.
She hoped her distance had helped Kate, it was her way of not being a reminder of all the pain of the past summer. If she were not around, Kate could just focus on getting well and not on Chelsea’s discomfort. It was a noble plan in her mind, but to her family she was cold and selfish. She continuously had to shoulder the brutality of her family. As if her mere presence would be the miracle pill that could cure Kate’s cancer. If they only knew, how much she had given. She had given Kate all that she had. The one piece of magic that she knew would be her saving grace. Him. If anyone could make Kate well, it would be Daniel. And that was all she wanted, for Kate to make it. So she stayed away and she hid her heart, and she let her grandmother be loved by him, without one word of protest, even though her mind was screaming at the thought of him anywhere near her.
She pushed open the door to the darkened room, searching the darkness for Kate’s frail form on her bed. She was sleeping and Chelsea was relieved. As much as she wanted to see Kate, she also wanted to avoid her. What could be said? So she relished her chance to sit in silence and just remember. Remember the Kate that she trusted completely, the Kate she loved unconditionally, the Kate that made her feel like she was worthy of anything and everything. In the peace of the dark, she had her grandmother back. Words would only destroy that illusion.
A tapping averted her attention to the corner of the room, slight like a pebble hitting a window. The glint of silver reflected in her eyes as she turned toward the noise. He was slumped forward. Head positioned between his hands, perfectly still, except for the ping of his stethoscope hitting the chair arm as he breathed.
“I didn’t know anyone was here. I will come back,” said Chelsea softly.
Daniel roused from his thoughts unaware that anyone had entered the room. “Chelsea,” he said hoarsely, as if he had not spoken in days. “No please. I will go.”
The moonlight shone through a bent slat in the Venetian blinds and created a gash of light across the tile floor. Chelsea couldn’t help but think that the beam of light somehow represented her current state. Dark and concealed with a tear just wide enough to expose her to whomever dared to look closely. With deep breaths she tried to steel herself for an encounter that she had been dreading for weeks. The inevitable was approaching as she heard him rustle in the darkness. The chair crackled like brittle bones as he rose and stepped into the one slither of light in the otherwise dark room.
He spanned the distance between them in three steps. Instinctively she stepped back as the toe of his shoe invaded the line of light on the floor. He paused, stricken with the knowledge that her gut response was now to flee him. “I know you need to see her. Let me at least give you that. Lord knows I can’t seem to do much else.”
Her eyes fluttered up at him as she detected the frustration in his voice. Her chest clutched as fears about her grandmother’s condition filled her. Was there something he was not telling her? Searching his face for clues she noted how tired he seemed. He looked older, drawn, with tiny lines now taking permanent residence on his brow. She resisted the urge to reach up and try to smooth them away, squeezing her hands into tight balls at her side. Instead she tried to lull him with her voice, to somehow soothe him back to the Daniel she used to know, the one whose smile always reached his eyes whenever he saw her. It wasn’t her place to do that anymore. It bothered her that she even still wanted to, yet she continued. “I know you are doing all you can for her. Philip tells me…” Her voice cracked as her tongue tumbled to finish her thought. “He tells me you are by her side almost twenty four hours a day.”
“It is my job,” he stated simply, his eyes tried to find a place to settle, anywhere but on her.
“This is more than your job. You are doing more than anyone could have asked. I know you are taking good care of her. Making her feel safe, giving her hope, making her smile.” Chelsea smiled to herself as the memories washed over her, when she was the one in that bed. When she was the one he took care of. When she was the one. A flash of anger heated her at that last thought. She stiffened and looked coldly up at him. “I will only be a moment. Thank you for letting me sit with her.”
Daniel moved toward the door knowing all too well that he had just been dismissed. This wasn’t the first time that Chelsea ran hot and cold with him. It was as if she was in a constant state of fluctuation whenever she deemed to give him conference. In one moment he knew he was getting through to her, connecting, and in the next she was gone. Her body was still before him, but she had shut herself off from him, assigning him as nothing more than the doctor who was taking care of her grandmother. It happened every time. He waited for it just as he waited the hours between Kate’s next treatment, Kate’s next visitor, Kate’s next meal. It was what they had become, strained, prisoners of this awkward routine.
She slowly approached the bed, very conscious of Daniel still standing by the door. What was he doing, she wondered. Watching her? Making sure she didn’t upset Kate? Gloating about how he had been with the both of them? Suddenly she turned; ready to confront his continued presence only to be floored by what she saw. There he was head resting against the door, shoulders slumped, breathing heavily. “Daniel?” she said slowly, her heart pounding with fear. She had never seen him look so worn, so defeated, so broken.
“Chelsea I can’t…” He stopped the words caught in his throat.
“You can’t what?” She cautiously approached like a collector trying to snare a butterfly into a net. The wrong move and she wasn’t sure what would happen. All she knew was that she could not shake this overwhelming sense of anxiety. “Daniel, you’re scaring me.”
“I can’t do this.”
“Do what?” She held her breath awaiting his reply.
“I can’t leave this room,” he heaved in a tone barely above a whisper.
Chelsea took a deep breath, slightly exasperated. Did he seriously think she would harm her own grandmother? “I am not going to upset her. I want her well just as much as you.”
He sighed as he twisted to face her, his back pressed against the door, the only thing keeping him from collapsing to the floor. “I know you won’t hurt her. You never could. You are so full of love and compassion. You have the biggest heart of anyone I have ever met.”
“Please don’t.” She interrupted not liking where this string of compliments was headed.
He continued as if she had not said a word. “I sometimes can’t believe that you let me…” he trailed off as his eyes finally locked with hers.
A blush rose to her cheeks at his gaze. She hated how he still had the power to affect her after all this time. She had put him out of her mind; filled her days with work, school, and her friends. Anything so that her mind did not have the space to consider that the man she thought she would love forever was in the ICU wing loving her grandmother. And now here she was despite all her best efforts at avoidance, face to face with him.
He bit his lower lip as if to keep the words he almost let slip at bay. Her curiosity got the best of her. There was no harm in knowing. It would not change things anyway. So she asked, “Can’t believe that I let you what?”
He smiled at her query, but did not respond. Instead he pushed himself off the door and slowly made his way toward her, never letting his eyes leave her face.
Chelsea was paralyzed. Every cell in her body screamed, “RUN”, but her heart, her damned heart was her ruler and kept her firmly planted as he made his approach. So close, the warmth of his body surrounded her, his scent that used to be as familiar as her own, filled her. In that moment, she was back. Transported to a time when all she ever wanted was him, when she just knew without question, that this was the man she was meant to be with.
“Chelsea,” was all he said as he reached out and smoothed a stray hair from her forehead, just as he used to when she was the one he had cared for. His touch sent slight tingles through her body and she felt herself leaning into his hand as it traveled from her forehead to the side of her face.
He looked down and noted her closed eyes and willingness to accept his touch. She seemed to smile in contentment as he let his palm fully rest on her cheek. This was everything to him. Countless days and nights in the corner chair of this sterile hospital room giving all of his heart soul to the woman sleeping in the bed. She sucked him dry, and he let her. Anything. He would do anything to make sure Kate lived. Even give up this. But not tonight, he couldn’t let this one chance go. She was here and she was real, unlike all the times she was just a figment of his weary imagination. He couldn’t let her leave without, reaching over and just once, feeling again.
“I’ve missed you.” His other hand rose to her face, framing her between his hands. She still took his breath away. “So much.”
Tears formed in Chelsea’s eyes as the brunt of his words crashed into her. Even now, she felt it all. After all the ways he had hurt her, she still wanted him. It all felt so right. She closed her eyes and allowed herself to float, to fully embrace the rarity of this moment. August twenty-ninth, that was the last time he touched her. Now almost four months later, here they were. She thought she would lose her balance as he moved his hands to the nape of her neck, fingertips grazing her hair, pulsing circles rhythmically. Struggling not to lose herself in the undertow of his hypnotizing touch she blinked open her eyes only to find him gazing at her intently. His hazel eyes were a golden amber almost glowing in the darkness of the room. As he inched lower, drawing closer to her face, she licked her lips in anticipation.
“Daniel,” a raspy whisper in the darkness, breaking the spell, rushing them back to reality. “Daniel where are you?” Kate’s voice was thin and scratchy. She sounded like a woman in her eighties, frail and shaky. Hands dropped, posture erect, eyes darkening to a deep muddy brown, he was gone.
“I am here, Kate. You are okay.” He moved to her bedside leaving a chill as he brushed past her.
“I thought you had left me.”
“No I am here,” he said softly. Smoothing her bangs from her eyes, he smiled down at her ghostly pale face. “Always here.”
“Every step of the way.” She reached up to him, caressing his cheek with her trembling thin hand. “Means so much to me.”
Bile burned her throat as Chelsea watched her grandmother ease Daniel’s head toward her own. She quickly averted her gaze, almost missing the image of his lips brushing against Kate’s forehead. Almost. Such tenderness he displayed with her. Every utterance was like a warm hug, every touch soothed and comforted. Jealousy burned within and she cursed herself for being just what her family claimed, selfish and cold. How could she be feeling anything but pity toward this woman? She had no right to still want to yank her hand from his face and slap her senseless for even daring to touch him. No matter how much she tried to stifle her hateful thoughts, nothing seemed to make her forget that she was robbed. Kate had stolen all that was good and happy in Chelsea’s life, and not even cancer seemed to be able to make her forget that.
“You have a visitor.” Just saying the words stirred something that had been long dormant within him. Maybe it was the cliché emotions of the holiday season putting heartwarming notions into his head or maybe it was his complete lack of uninterrupted sleep, but he definitely felt like there was a miracle brewing. For the first time in a long time he felt hope. Only in his dreams, would he ever believe that Chelsea would be here with them. It probably meant nothing, she had come to see Kate, but he had to believe that a part of her wanted to see him too. She hadn’t run this time. She was still here.
“Really? I am not prepared. I must look horrible. Maybe you should send them away.”
“Kate you look beautiful. You always do.”
“You lie so well,” she cooed.
“Only the truth, besides this visitor would want to see you no matter what you looked like. She is quite special.” He looked over at her. “To both of us.”
“Well don’t keep me in suspense. Who is it Daniel?” He looked down at Kate and smiled. He knew she would be so excited to see her granddaughter, finally. All the nights, in the dark, Kate talked on and on about how she hoped Chelsea would come and see her. How she hoped Chelsea was doing okay. How she worried about Chelsea, missed Chelsea, loved Chelsea. Always Chelsea. Always hoping. And now he could give her that gift. Maybe this would be just what Kate needed to round the corner and beat the attack that seemed so persistent in ravaging her body. Chelsea could be the one to give her that last ounce of strength, to fight.
“Why don’t I let her tell you –“ He looked up just as he heard the gentle clang of the bell on the wreath on the door.
“Daniel?” her voice confused, as she grasped her hand.
“I will be right back Kate. Right back.” He gave her hand a gentle squeeze before releasing it and making his way out of the room.
-----
Sobs choked her as she leaned against the nurse’s station trying to catch her breath. His words still ringing in her ears on constant repeat. She is quite special to both of us. Both of us. Us. They were the us now. And that undeniable fact hurt worse than finding out about their affair, worse than having him choose Kate over her, than seeing him give her comfort. All that she had secretly wished that could be. That somehow, some way, they still had a chance. That he was just doing his job, that he didn’t want to be in there with her, was destroyed. Ripped to shreds in one brief moment, by one small word – us.
Daniel narrowed his eyes in pain from the harshness of the fluorescent lights. It was like he had been in a cave for days. Chelsea’s mere presence had made him long to escape that room, that chair. And for a moment he felt free, until he saw her against the nurse’s desk, head down, hands clutched to its ledge. She seemed to be struggling for air, the way her back rose and fell with rapidity. For a moment, he lost his nerve, thinking it was better to just leave her alone, and go back in to Kate. But as usual, he couldn’t leave. He had never been able to leave since the day he fell for her, especially not if she were hurting. Another thing he couldn’t escape. No matter where he roamed, he knew she would be there in his mind, in his heart. It was just easier to stay in Salem, where at least he still had the hope of maybe catching a glimpse of her from time to time. At least he had that.
With a deep breath, he swallowed his nerves and spoke. “I know it is hard seeing her like that. Pale and weak. But she is the same Kate, feisty as ever. You will see once you talk to her.”
Chelsea turned to face him, somehow knowing he would follow her outside. She should have been better prepared for his arrival. Instead she had to let him see her tear stained face and bright red runny nose. She couldn’t hide her tears, but she still had her dignity. She would never let him see her broken. “Save the compassionate doctor speech. I know that my grandmother has not lost her spunk. I just needed a moment. I can’t stand seeing –“
“ – Seeing her so weak.” He interrupted. “I understand.”
“I was going to say so afraid. I can take her being frail and tired, but the fear, that I cannot get used to. I have never seen that side of her.”
“Oh,” was all he could muster.
“But you have. It seems you know Kate in ways I never will.” Chelsea struggled to stifle the new tears that were falling. She had never let him see her cry up to this point and she hated that he was seeing her this way now. But there was nothing to be done; she was too tired to hold it all in any longer. This hurt too much to be ignored.
“Chelsea I – “ Every tear that fell from her eyes, felt like welts on his back. They stung him like salt in a wound. This was his fault and he knew it.
“Daniel don’t say it. Please just stop apologizing. You are doing nothing wrong.”
“I’m not? From those tears on your face I think I am. I must be hurting you.”
“Who says I was crying over you?” she sniffled as she frantically dug through her purse for a tissue.
“Chelsea –“
“Just stop. You know what. I am going to come back later. Will you give Kate my best?”
“No.”
“No?”
“No I am not going to do that. She has been hoping you would come see her for weeks. I am not going to go in there and tell her you were here but were too – too.. –“
“Too what?”
“Too selfish to go and see her.”
“Selfish? You don’t know what you are talking about.” Not him too, she thought.
“I don’t? Well clue me in. Why can’t you go in and see your sick grandmother who is desperate to see you? She needs you Chelsea. Can’t you see that?
“ I think she has everything she needs. I made sure of it.”
“You made sure of it? What does that mean?”
“I have to go.”
“No. I am not letting you get away this time.” In a blur he grabbed her arm and in one swift motion he spun her toward him, blocking her exit, sending her reeling, straight into his chest, where he held her, captured. Out of breath and heartbeats pounding in their ears they stared at each other. And for a moment, it was like a movie, the world stopped and it was just the two of them, chest to chest, pure emotion.
His hand instinctively went to her hair as he let the silky strands splay through his fingers as he spoke. “I am sorry I grabbed you like that.” He said, still holding her tightly against his chest.” Every time we see each other these days, it always ends the same way. You walking away. I am so tired of watching you leave. Just for once I wished you would stay.”
“Well you got me. I am here.” Chelsea tried to ignore the firmness of his chest beneath her hands. It had been so long since she had been close to him like this, close to anyone like this. She just wanted to hold him tighter and let him envelope her body. She used to love how his size consumed her, overwhelmed her. How his kisses would leave her breathless and ragged. One more time, she thought. I just need to feel that one more time and I can walk away for good. Just once more, so she could remember what it used to feel like to be loved by him.
”Are you? It doesn’t feel like it.” Daniel was feeling lightheaded with her in his arms. It was almost too much for him. This is all he wanted, just to hold her again. And now here she was, right here, but not.
“Daniel what is it you want from me?” She looked up at him, her dark eyes pleading for anything to help make it better. Would she ever have a day when she didn’t want to be with Daniel? When she didn’t awake in the morning from a night filled of dreams of him?
“Just do it for her. I don’t want you to ever look back and regret anything. Any of it.”
“Of course. Kate,” Chelsea said blandly. She went slack in his arms, and he could feel her slipping away. He once again seemed to have said the wrong thing.
“This is just too hard. Every time I see her all I can think is,” she trailed off hesitant to speak the words. He looked down at her puzzled yet eager for her to complete her thought. “All I can think is that you and her are together.”
Pain flashed across Daniel’s face as he once again saw tears well up in her eyes. This time there was no question that he was the one that put them there. Again. That is all he ever could seem to be able to do, make her cry.
“And that is not fair to Kate. It is not her fault you chose her over me. So maybe you are right. I am selfish.”
Stumbling he moved away from her. Her words hit him harder than any punch he had ever endured. She was right he did just that. He had chose Kate over her. No matter how many ways he tried to rationalize it all in his mind, the result was the same. The day he decided to be there, in every way, for Kate by the pool, was the day he made his choice. Nothing he could ever say would change that fact. The vigil he kept by her bedside was further evidence of his fate. A prisoner to his sacrifice, a victim of his own desperate need to save her. This one wouldn’t die. He couldn’t lose someone else to this disease. It had to be him that made it right. And in that truth, there were no words he could offer to ease Chelsea’s pain. To get her to believe that he would rather be anywhere than here, as long as she were with him. He had lost all right to feel anything for this beautiful woman, the moment he let Kate seek comfort from his body. The day he chose to take comfort from hers. Who was he kidding? He was no good for Chelsea, never was. The woman laying in that room was evidence of that. Here is where he was supposed to be, where he always would be. In the end, it was always the same; he was nothing but a doctor. It was insanity to ever hope for anything more. It was cruelty to even attempt to believe that he had any right to have her love. He needed to let her go.
“Chelsea I don’t know what to say.” He sunk into a nearby chair, at a complete loss of where to go from here.
“It’s okay. You don’t have to say anything. You are taking good care of her. “
“She needs –“
“- You are keeping your promise,” she said cutting him off. His golden eyes were reddened around the rims, clouded with pain. He looked so tired. All she wanted to do was take him in her arms and make all that hurt go away. “And I ….umm… I will never forget that.”
Panic rose in the pit of his stomach as he realized this was it. She was leaving him again. He rushed toward her, scrambling to think of some word that could stop her. Something to make this moment last a little bit longer. All he needed was a moment more.
“Chelsea,” he called out her name almost hysterically. Seeing her back to him, again, was driving him crazy.
The emotion in his voice struck her. Another fragment of her heart broken. She knew he cared about her, she could feel it. She always could feel it. It just didn’t matter in the end. But hearing him so wrecked, threw her. She turned to him and offered a small smile.
“I will be back.”
“When?”
“Soon. I will come to see her. I promise.” She slowly walked toward him, eyes never leaving his, words deliberately slow. As if she wanted him to memorize what she was saying. “ Just not tonight. So please do me this favor.”
“Anything,” he vowed quietly. She was a heartbeat away from him now, so close, but he dared not touch her in the fear that she would disappear.
“Tell her I miss her and that I love her. Make sure she knows that.” She took his hand into hers and held it close against her heart.
“ She knows. I tell her everyday.”
“Thank you, “ she said dropping his hand and reaching up to tuck a stray curl back into place by the collar of his lab coat. “You need a haircut.”
He smiled at the randomness of that comment. Something so normal in a moment when his mind was raging for things he could never have. “Yeah I know.”
“Can you give her something for me?”
“Anything.”
A whisper soft kiss brushed against his cheek before she turned and said softly in his ear. “Merry Christmas.” She pulled back, hands on his shoulders to contemplate his gaze. His eyes widened in surprise at the intimacy of the gesture.
“I will be sure to pass it on.”
“Good,” she said backing away; trying to create some much needed distance.
“Now I have something for you.” With sudden intensity he was upon her, lips crashing onto hers, relentless in the pursuit to gain entry, to win the right to kiss her fully. Chelsea moaned as she opened her mouth to grant him access, her head swirling with all the emotions at war within her.
Just as suddenly as it had started, it ended. He was retreating, going back toward the door, the rattling of the bell on the wreath her signal. It was all just a dream. She pressed her fingers to her lips, still feeling the sensation of his kiss. Hand on the knob, he gallantly bowed with a sad smile. “Merry Christmas”, he mouthed as he pointed upward above her head.
She followed his gesture and looked up. Proudly hanging, strewn in red ribbon was a ball of mistletoe, swaying in the gentle breeze of the hospital’s ventilation system. The bell clanged against the door once more, but Chelsea did not look in its direction. She knew what she would find, room 323, still occupied, by the woman she loved almost more than anyone, waging a war. Without her. Yet at least with him.
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