Chapter 18
NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR: Please note that their is some minor language in this chapter. If you are very easily offended, or have young children in the room while reading, please read at your own risk.
CHEATIN' HEART
It is now the next evening. Spades is doing one of his stand up routines again. Nicole is sitting in the back.
SPADES: I used to live next to this elderly couple. And one night, there was a bit of a commotion over there. The old man looks out his window, sees all the lights on in his garage and two people taking all his stuff. So, he does the logical thing: calls the cops, tells them the situation, and you know what they say? They say, “Oh, we can't really get to you right now. We're kinda busy”. So, the old man says thanks, and hangs up the phone. He waits a minute, then calls the cops again. Only this time, he says, “Hey, just wanted to you know, you don't have to worry about those guys. I shot 'em”.
A slight chuckle from the audience.
SPADES: Within two minutes, the entire police squad was at the old man's house.
Laughter.
SPADES: Of course, he hadn't really shot them. They apprehended the thieves and went on their way. But, before they left, the chief of police walked up to the old man and said, “I thought you said you shot them”. Well, the old man looks back at him and says, “I thought you said you couldn't get here”.
Laughter.
SPADES: That's a great story. You know what an even better story is? Shortly after the Revolutionary War, a guy named Ethan Allen went over to London to conduct business with the King. One evening, he was having dinner with a distinguished English lord. The meal was eaten, drinks were had, and eventually, Mr. Allen found he was in need of a privy. He was grateful to be directed to one. Relieved, you might say.
Laughter.
SPADES: He discovered when he went inside the room that the only decoration was a picture of George Washington. Ethan Allen came what he did to do, and when he returned to the dining room, all of the lords were waiting to see his reaction. But, he didn't say anything. Well, the host could no longer contain himself, so he asked if Ethan Allen had seen the picture, which he had. Well, what did he think of it's placement? And, Ethan Allen said that it seemed very appropriate. The host lost it at that, (English accent) “Appropriate? George Washington's likeness in a water closet?”.
Laughter.
SPADES: “Yes,” said Mr. Allen, “where it will do good service. The whole world knows that nothing will make an Englishman s**t quicker than the sight of George Washington”.
The crowd roared with laughter at this.
SPADES: I love that story. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming out tonight. I'm Lothario Horseplant. Have a great night!
Spades got off the stage and went to the bar. He was talking with a group of three people. After a few minutes, Nicole walked over and tapped him on the shoulder. He turned around to look at her.
NICOLE: Hi.
SPADES: Hello.
NICOLE: Remember me?
SPADES: I'm sorry, do I know you?
NICOLE: It's me, Nicole.
Spades turned to his guests.
SPADES: Well, unfortunately, I've never met this woman before in my life.
NICOLE: Oh, come on. How come you're pretending like you don't know me?
SPADES: Because I don't.
Spades and his three guests got up.
SPADES: Excuse us.
NICOLE: No, wait.
Nicole followed Spades.
PARK
Eventually, Spades and his guests stopped in the Park. Nicole soon caught up with them.
NICOLE: Now, come on. What's going on here?
SPADES: Nicole...
NICOLE: Oh, so now you do know me, huh?
SPADES: Is this what you want?
NICOLE: What?
SPADES: Just one word – yes or no.
NICOLE: Yes. There, I said it. Didn't say it last time, and look where that got me. So, now I'm gonna say yes.
SPADES: Is this...
Without breaking stride, Spades took out his gun and shot all three of his guests, who now lay dead on the ground.
SPADES: ...what you want?
