Daytime Cereal (Read 1,561 times)

[Kpatch]

Readers: I have good news and bad news. The good news is that I have a new story to post, starting tomorrow. The bad news is that, because of tough economic times, The Powers That Be are using this as a test pilot for a new, lower-budget generic version of the daytime serial we've all come to know and love.

There will only be one set: The Brady Pub. So, even if the setting says it's Switzerland or the Penthouse Grill, for example, it will look like The Brady Pub. Readers are asked to please use your imaginations (a lot) and suspend disbelief.

In some cases the actors will be the original cast members, if they are available, not affiliated with unions, and willing to work for pittance. Note that some actors may be playing more than one role. In other cases, characters will be played by summer interns, students, writers, key grips, fans, or the guy in line at the STARBUCKS down the street. It all depends on who filled out an employment application and who shows up to work that day. [Note: A few roles are still available. Please send me a private message if you are interested. No auditions. Just show up.]

There will be a lot of teenaged actors and actresses, but they do a fine job of playing older characters, as you'll see, especially with this one 16 year old who does a great job playing Maggie, as well as a member of this fan site who gives Peter Reckell some serious competition. Summer interns are also writing the show. Sorru, Their ways no wone availabe Two proufread, so pleeze foregiv aney typetoes. We are doing our best under trying circumstances.

If the dialogue sounds familiar, it may be because we are borrowing some lines from successful movies, novels, and plays. You are also likely to see a lot of products, such as TYSON CHICKEN, prominently used within the show to help defray costs.

Lastly, try not to get too involved in any given storyline, or take them too seriously, as a couple of the writers quit or were fired in the middle of taping and some stories ended up getting dropped. I hope you find a way to enjoy the story, nonetheless. Thank you for your patience and indulgence.

Production Note: Due to budgetary constraints, the show will be posted Monday through Friday only. The set will be closed down on weekends.

______________________________________
Copyright ©2009 kpatch. All rights reserved.
__________________

[Kpatch]

NBC BOARDROOM

Dick Dorkay, Executive Producer: OK, people. Where is everyone? We were supposed to start the script meeting five minutes ago.
Writer #1: Sorry, I was getting everyone some STARBUCKS.
Dorkay: What? YOU’RE not supposed to be doing that! Where’s the coffee girl?
Writer #1: I AM the coffee girl. Remember, you were going to fire me, and then you asked if I had a pencil and you said “good, you’re a writer now”?
Dorkay: Oh, right. Does this latte have SWEET ‘N ‘LOW in it?
Writer #1: Yes sir.
Dorkay: Then you’re fired. I hate SWEET ‘N’ LOW. I only use SPLENDA! OK, now where are all the other writers?
Writer #2: There’s just me. And you.
Dorkay: Did you just call me a writer? That’s an insult! You’re fired!

<insert sound of birds chirping>

Dorkay: Where’s Molly? Where’s Molly Burnett, the little girl who plays Melanie?
Molly: I’m here, Dork. I mean Mr. Dorkay.
Dorkay: Can you write?
Molly: Excuse me?
Dorkay: Here’s a pencil. You’re a writer now. And you’re late for our morning brainstorming session.
Molly: I’m a script writer AND a soap character?
Dorkay: That’s right. And don’t think that means you’re getting any more money. You’re still the lowest paid actor on the show. Wait a second. There’s that Mia kid. What’s her name?
Molly: Taylor.
Dorkay: No, that’s not it. [Snaps his fingers repeatedly as he thinks.] Taylor! That’s it. Where’s Taylor Sprech... Spritz... Shllp. Where’s Taylor? No wait, there are even lower paid actors on the show now. The Greeson twins who play Grace. I wonder if they can write....
Molly: Mr. Dorkay...
Dorkay: What!
Molly: What am I supposed to write about?
Dorkay: You’re kidding, right? You’ve been on the show long enough to know. You’ll write about pregnancies and who’s the daddy. Stefano’s vendetta, feuds, murder, diseases, affairs, baby switches ... the usual.
Molly: What about flirtation, love and romance?
Dorkay: That’s so 80s.
Molly: What about passion?
Dorkay: Passions? They got canceled.
Molly: Suddenly I wish I were back in school again. Wait, that gives me an idea!
[Molly explains her idea to Dorkay.]
Dorkay: I like it! Let’s start filming right away. Where are all the actors and the camera crew?
Molly: You fired most of them sir. ... Uh, why are you looking at me that way?
Dorkay: You’re going to get the chance of a lifetime, kid. You’re going to play multiple roles. Do you know how to work a motion picture camera?
Molly: Yikes!


STARBUCKS

[The women of Salem are gathered at a table, drinking their morning coffee and dishing about the men in their lives.]

Nicole: And then, the day before the wedding, EJ says to me in that snobby British accent, “I don’t know if the wedding is still on. We’ll see what happens tomorrow.”
Chloe: What a jerk. Listen to what Lucas said to me. I get this opportunity of a lifetime to sing with the Vancouver Opera Company, and, in that whiny Lucas voice, he’s like, “But what about Allie? She needs you.”
Nicole: At least he didn’t say it with an English accent.
Stephanie: I have an even better one. After Victor fires and disowns Philip and then asks him to come back, Philip says “I told him I’d think about it.” Jeez! What’s there to think about? A stupid job? And a family that isn’t even a family???
Kate: I take exception to that!
Hope: Here’s one. What would you girls do if your son got run over and your husband knew who did it and didn’t tell you?
Chelsea: Did you have to bring that up AGAIN?
Hope: Sorry honey. What’s your story? What did Max do?
Chelsea: Nothing. He’s perfect.
Stephanie: He is not!
Chelsea: Oh, that’s right. Max argued with his ex-girlfriend about their love life.
Chloe: That doesn’t sound so awful.
Chelsea: They argued about it in front of me.
Sami: You women are such spineless wimps. You need to grow a backbone.
Kate: For once I agree with you, Sami.
Sami: That’s a very attractive puffy shirt, Kate. Did you get that at JCPenney?
Kate: Heavens no. JCPenney sucks. I got it at NORDSTROM’S. Their customer service is without equal.
Stephanie: You’ve been awfully quiet, Melanie. What are you doing?
Melanie: I’m looking over this catalog of classes at Salem Junior College. Here’s one I think you all should enroll in.
Chelsea: What is it?
Melanie: It’s a support group for women with relationship woes. The class is called The Daily Cereal.
Stephanie: That’s a funny name for a support group.
Melanie: Well, it says here that it’s a sort of Breakfast Club. [She reads from the curriculum:] A comfortable environment in which to share your relationship issues and get support from women like you. Bring your own coffee and eat your breakfast while you learn how to assert yourself, get what you want without crying or begging, and bring the men in your lives to their full potential.

To be continued....

[Kpatch]

NBC BOARDROOM

Dorkay: That was a fine first day, Melanie.
Molly: It’s Molly.
Dorkay: Whatever. The one thing I don’t like is the name of the class. Calling it the Daily Cereal is stupid.
Molly: Not really sir. You see, this gives us limitless opportunities for sponsorships. I did some research and cereal companies like KELLOGGS, GENERAL FOODS, POST, GENERAL MILLS, and QUAKER spend megabezillions on advertising.
Dorkay: I never thought of that. Gump, you’re a genius!
Molly: I have another idea, sir.
Dorkay: When I want your ideas, I’ll tell you what to think.
Molly: But this would make everyone’s life much easier. And you won’t have to worry about paying a stable of writers.
Dorkay: I’m listening....
Molly: We could do something really avante garde. Cutting edge. Groundbreaking. Exciting!
Dorkay: Molly girl, you’ve got spunk. And I hate spunk ... almost as much as I hate build-up and suspense. That’s why we don’t do it on the show anymore. Get to the point, kid.
Molly: OK, here’s my idea: We go scriptless.
Dorkay: Stripless? Is THAT Taylor’s last name?
Molly: Scriptless! We let the actors improvise their lines as they see fit.
Dorkay: Actors can’t do that.
Molly: My fellow actors and I always said how much we would like to ad-lib.
Dorkay: Actors memorize lines. That’s all there is to acting. We can’t have them getting all creative and making up their own lines.
Molly: But the people on the show nowadays aren’t even actors.
Dorkay: You got THAT right!
Molly: I mean, most of the people in the show are interns, fans, and guys off the street.
Dorkay: Any way you look at it, it’s a stupid idea. Now start writing some lines!


THE DAILY CEREAL BREAKFAST CLUB AT SALEM JUNIOR COLLEGE

Stephanie: What are you eating, Melanie?
Melanie: I brought CHEERIOS and GENERAL FOODS INTERNATIONAL COFFEE in French Vanilla.

[The group leader is writing her name on the chalkboard: “Maggie Horton.” She turns to face the group.]

Maggie: Well, it’s really heartwarming to see so many of the lovely ladies of Salem here. We’re going to have a lot of fun while learning some important things about ourselves and the men in our lives.
Stephanie [raising her hand]: Mrs. Horton, how did you get started doing these classes?
Kate: And why should we listen to your advice?
Maggie: Those are good questions. And by the way, you don’t need to raise your hand. This is an informal setting. I want us all to just talk, like girlfriends. As for your questions, Stephanie and Kate, Mickey wasn't always the perfect man he is today. It took work. Years of work. It was hard, but it was worth it. I started these morning relationship workouts to help other women get the most out of their mates, just as I have.
Sami: I’m ready for that!

Maggie: I’m going to go around the room and ask what you each want out of your relationship. Let’s start with Nicole.
Nicole: I want EJ to love me.
Maggie: Sami?
Sami: I just want to get what I deserve. I just want what’s fair...for half the men in Salem to be panting after me and for me to keep them all guessing.
Maggie: Chloe?
Chloe: I want to be a good wife to Lucas.
Maggie: Stephanie?
Stephanie: I want to be the most important thing in Philip’s life and for him to forget about his nasty family and all-consuming career. After all, “it is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.”
Maggie: Ah yes, the opening line from Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice. Chelsea?
Chelsea: I want to be somebody’s baby...I mean Max’s girlfriend.
Maggie: Hope?
Hope: I don’t want anything out of the relationship.
Chloe: What?
Stephanie: I don’t understand what you mean, Aunt Hope.
Hope: I don’t want anything from the relationship. I just want my family to be happy and healthy. And I know that Bo and I are better as a team than we are as individuals.
Maggie: Kate?
Kate: I have no idea what I want anymore.
Maggie: Melanie?
Melanie: I want to be wanted by the guy I want.
Maggie: Thank you for your honesty, ladies. Now we’re going to discuss how to get what you want and whether what you want is really reasonable.


To be continued....

[Kpatch]

THE DAILY CEREAL CLUB

Hope: What are you eating, Melanie?
Melanie: Today I brought SHREDDED WHEAT and EGGOs.

Maggie: Before we begin today, I’m going to ask you all to turn off your cell phones, iPODs, iPHONEs, BLACKBERRIES, PDAs and other cellular devices. Yesterday, we talked about what we want from a relationship. Today we are going to get more specific. We’re going to start by going around the room and talking about your current relationships. If you’re not currently in a relationship, tell the group about what your dream guy would be like. If you ARE in a relationship, tell the group about your husband or boyfriend and what you want to change about him. Chloe, why don’t you start us out?

Chloe: Um. No. Everything is just perfect. I love Lucas.
Maggie: We all love the men in our lives, otherwise we wouldn’t be here in this group. It’s okay to tell us what you really think.
Chloe: I can’t do that. Not here. Not when his favorite aunt and his mother are sitting here.
Maggie: I understand. We’ll come back to you later. I think you’ll feel a little freer to speak up if someone else starts. How about you, Nicole?
Nicole: OMG, where do I even start? EJ is such an enigma. One minute he’s loving and sweet, and the next he’s suspicious and accusatory. He yells at me in front of people. He keeps me guessing about whether the wedding is on or off. He makes me crazy.
Maggie: I can see that. Does anyone have any suggestions for Nicole?
Kate: I do. I say dump him.
Maggie: That’s never the solution, Kate. Nicole, it sounds like EJ is controlling you by keeping you on an emotional precipice. You have to stop allowing him to do that to you.
Nicole: I’m not ALLOWING him....
Maggie: You may think you’re not, but you are enabling the situation.
Nicole: But I fight back. I don’t stand there and just take it.
Maggie: We’ll come back to you, Nicole. Chelsea, why don’t you tell us your story.
Chelsea: Sitting here I realize how lucky I am. Max is perfect. Absolutely perfect.
Stephanie: No he’s not. If he were perfect, I’d still be with him!
Chelsea: OK, you’re right. He’s not completely perfect, but he’s close. I sorta wish he knew what he wanted to do with his life. He’s so wishy washy. And it’s amazing how people pull the wool over his eyes all the time, like [points] Melanie here. He’s too close with his mother. I sometimes worry that he’s a mama’s boy. And that stupid little beard thing. He shaved it for a while, then he grew it back. Our sex life is pretty bland. He’s not a very good cook. He's really sloppy. [She goes on and on, and then 15 minutes later, says:] Oh, and he always leaves the toilet seat up. Drives me crazy.
Maggie: Oh, are you finished? Sorry, honey, I must have nodded off for a minute.


NBC BOARDROOM

Dorkay: Maggie’s not the only one who nodded off. That was the most boring scene I’ve ever scene. I mean seen. Burnett, you call yourself a writer?! You should be ashamed. I’m calling an emergency scriptwriters meeting!

To be continued....

[Kpatch]

ALL PERSONNEL ARE ATTENDING THE EMERGENCY SCRIPTWRITERS MEETING THAT MR. DORKAY HAS CALLED TO ORDER, SO THERE WILL BE NO SHOW TODAY. IN THE MEANTIME, WE ARE AIRING SOME OF OUR FAVORITE LINES FROM 2008. PLEASE CLICK THE LINK AND ENJOY, THEN RETURN TO THIS PAGE.




NBC BOARDROOM

Dorkay: We’ve been going round in circles for hours and no one is coming up with any worthwhile ideas. We’re heading into the May Sweeps period and we have nothing! This is a disaster! A huge disaster!
Taylor: My mother said I have to be home before dark. Can I go now?
Dorkay: Go, get out. You’re fired. And what are YOU looking at, Millicent?
Molly: It’s Melanie. Dang, I mean Molly.
Dorkay: Hey, I just got a great idea. It’s avante garde. Cutting edge. Groundbreaking. Exciting! And it just might work!
Molly: What is it, sir?
Dorkay: We go scriptless! We let the actors improvise their lines as they see fit.
Molly: That’s absolutely brilliant, sir.

To be continued ...

[Kpatch]

THE DAILY CEREAL CLUB

Stephanie: Not only that ... he seems to care more about some stupid company and a family that isn’t even a family than he cares about me.
Kate: Maggie, if I may, I’d like to address Stephanie’s points.
Maggie: Of course, please do.
Kate: Stephanie, dear. I like you. You know I do. But are you crazy??? How can you say “some company”? It’s the company that Philip has been groomed to take over since before he was born. It’s the company that has allowed him to enjoy the kind of lifestyle he has. As for caring about “a family that’s not even a family” more than he cares about you ... well, honey, I take exception to that statement. Let me ask you this, Stephanie. How much can Philip invest in a relationship with someone who runs as hot and cold as you do? Someone who demands that he do what you want him to do ... and if he doesn’t do it your way, you break up with him. Over and over and over and over.
[The group applauds.]
Stephanie: You’re clearly biased, Kate. You can’t see things my way.
Kate: And you, my dear, can’t seem to see things anyone else’s way.
Maggie: I agree with Kate.
Stephanie: What? I thought you said we were free to express our views without being disagreed with! I’m leaving.
Maggie: Stephanie, please don’t leave. I have a feeling you can benefit from this group more than anyone. Ladies, there are two things you must never do when it comes to your significant other. You can’t interfere with their job or their family. Men identify so completely with their jobs and with their families, for better or worse. Even if they don’t like their job or family, it’s part of who they are and, for that reason, is off limits.
Stephanie: Maybe if he had a normal family....
Kate: That’s quite enough out of you, young lady!
Maggie: Please ladies, take your seats and eat your breakfast. By the way, did you like the QUAKER BREAKFAST BARS I brought in today?
Melanie: Mmmm, yes, they’re yummy. Thanks Maggie!
Maggie: Over the next two weeks, we are going to have a few guest lecturers. Alice Horton will be here to impart her wisdom about making a marriage last. Caroline Brady will be discussing how faith fits into a marriage. And Marlena Evans will be in town to explain the delicate balance of egos in a relationship.


NBC BOARDROOM

Dorkay: Are you crazy? Molly, you in danger girl! We can’t afford Alice and Caroline and Marlena!
Molly: I know, sir. But it’s May Sweeps period. Besides, you said that they could be played by different actors. Actors who don’t cost as much.
Dorkay: Oh, that’s right. And the fans who are reading this story will picture whoever they want to. Good thinking, Molly!
Molly: It is a far, far better thing that I do now than I have ever done.
Dorkay: Where have I heard that line before?
Molly: A Tale of Two Cities by Dickens. When I run out of my own lines, I turn to the classics. You can’t argue with success, sir.
Dorkay: Success?! Bah, humbug.

To be continued....

[Kpatch]

THE DAILY CEREAL CLUB

Sami: I don’t think we’ve met. My name is Sami. Can I have some of your cereal?
Melanie: Help yourself. It’s LUCKY CHARMS. They’re magically delicious!

Maggie: I have a question I’d like to toss out to the group. How would you feel about inviting your significant others to attend one of our sessions?
Nicole: No way!
Chloe: Uh uh.
Stephanie: Not on your life.
Melanie: Sounds like fun.
Hope: I’d be okay with that.
Chelsea: I’d have to think about it.
Sami: Not sure who I’d bring.
Kate: Whatever.
Maggie: Give the idea some thought, ladies. In the meantime, Alice Horton is here, and she’s brought a plate full of her world-famous donuts for everyone, along with BORDEN’S MILK. More importantly, she’s going to talk to us about lasting love. Thanks for coming, Alice, and thanks for the donuts.

Alice: My pleasure, darling. Girls, I want to ask you all a question. How many of you have told your boyfriends or husbands about these group sessions?
[Everyone raises their hand.]
Alice: Wonderful. Now, how many of you have told your boyfriends or significant others exactly what these group sessions are really about?
[Only Hope raises her hand.]
Alice: As I suspected. What I want to talk about today is honesty in a relationship. You see, my darlings, if you don’t have honesty in your relationship, then you can’t have trust. And if you don’t have trust, then you don’t have a relationship. Here is where I disagree with my favorite author, Jane Austin, who said in Pride and Prejudice that “Happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance.” My darlings, you can’t leave it to chance. Relationships take work. Tom and I weathered many storms in our years together, and we got through them all because we knew we could trust and rely on each other. We had one mind and one heart and there was nothing we couldn’t tell each other. Some of you are keeping secrets from your men.
[Nicole, Sami, Chloe, Chelsea, Stephanie:] How did you know?
Alice: And if you’re keeping secrets from him, you’d be naive to think that he’s not keeping secrets from you. Honesty, my darlings ... THAT is the key to true happiness.

Maggie: That’s great advice, Alice. I completely agree. Thank you. I have an assignment for all of the girls. I want you to tell your significant other about this group. Tell them what this group is all about and why you come here every morning.
[The women all nod.]
Maggie: There’s more. I want you to videotape the conversation.
[The women groan.]
Maggie: Then I want you to bring the video to this group and, starting, say, a week from today, we will view one video at a time and discuss how we think the conversation went. And, if it didn’t go well, we’ll talk about what you might have done differently. If you don’t have a camcorder, you can borrow mine [holds it up]. Mickey and I prefer SONY CAMCORDERS. And if you don’t have a significant other, like Kate and Melanie, you can borrow mine. Just kidding. Salem’s most eligible bachelor, namely Dr. Daniel Jonas, has volunteered to role-play with you.
Chloe: Oh, that’s so nice of him. It’s too bad I don’t have a significant other.
Maggie: I think you’re forgetting about Lucas, dear.
Chloe: Oops, you’re right. I did forget for a second. Lucas. I love Lucas and he loves me. We’re as happy as we can be.


NBC BOARDROOM

Dorkay: That was a pretty good idea that the little girl playing Maggie had. I like that. Videotaping the conversations. I think it could work.
Molly: It will only work under one condition.
Dorkay: What?
Molly: We have to show the conversations between each of the women and their guys.
Dorkay: That means hiring more actors.
Molly: I know, but it’s May Sweeps.
Dorkay: Molly, you’re starting to irritate me. I’m beginning to wish I never taught you about May Sweeps.
Molly: Mr. Dorkay, it will be worth it. You’ll see. I’d even be willing to play one of the guys.
Dorkay: Or more than one. Molly, write an outline for each of the female-male interactions and have it on my desk by the morning.

To be continued....

[Kpatch]

NBC BOARDROOM

Molly: Mr. Dorkay, I’m having a hard time writing the dialogue for the male-female conversations.
Dorkay: No! No more dialogue, remember? I said to just write an outline.
Molly: I know, but the men don’t want to make up their own lines. They want a script to read from.
Dorkay: Men are a pain in my butt!
Molly: They don’t have as good an imagination as the women do.
Dorkay: OK, here’s the approach you need to take. Think about the characters and how they react in general. Then think about what they would do in that particular situation.
Molly [rolling her eyes]: Gee, I wonder why I didn’t think of that.
Dorkay: That’s why I get paid the big bucks.
Molly: You’re still getting the big bucks???
Dorkay: You’re damn right!


THE DIMERA MANSION

EJ: What’s that, darling? Are you setting up the video camera for a family photo?
Nicole: Not exactly. It’s my homework assignment for that morning class I’m taking.
EJ [blinking rapidly]: Ah yes, that phantom class you go to every day.
Nicole: It’s not a phantom class.
EJ: Oh, of course not, darling. It’s just as real as all that time you spend volunteering for charities and mentoring youngsters.
Nicole: I can explain.
EJ: Save it, Nicole. I’m sick and tired of your lies.
Nicole: And I’m tired of your suspicions and accusations, especially when I’m telling you the truth!
EJ: I’ve heard enough, Nicole!
Nicole: I need to go check on Sydney.
[Nicole leaves the room. EJ sits on the sofa picking food out of his teeth while the camera continues to film.]


NBC BOARDROOM

Dorkay: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m impressed, Molly. That was exactly the way I would expect an interaction between Nicole and EJ to go. Who needs Higley anymore! You really nailed these two characters.


To be continued....

[Kpatch]

NBC BOARDROOM

Dorkay: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m impressed, Molly. That was exactly the way I would expect an interaction between Nicole and EJ to go. Who needs Higley anymore? You really nailed these two characters.
Molly: I was thinking that the videotapings would go faster if we had more than one camcorder.
Dorkay: True, but we had to sell most of our props to pay the electric bill. The only reason we got even one camcorder is because SONY is our parent company.
Molly: Bummer.
Dorkay: Let’s see what you have planned for Lucas and Chloe's conversation.


THE HORTON CABIN

Lucas: What are you doing with that video camera, honey? Are you taking pictures of Allie?
Chloe: No. The world doesn’t revolve around Allie.
Lucas: Oh. Then, are you rehearsing for a Hearth and Home segment?
Chloe: No. I need to tell you something and I have to videotape your reaction.
Lucas: I think I know what you’re going to tell me.
Chloe: I seriously doubt it.
Lucas: Let me guess. You’re pregnant!
Chloe: No, that’s not it.
Lucas: In that case, is it...
Chloe: Stop guessing and let me tell you.
Lucas: OK.
Chloe: You know that morning group I go to every day?
Lucas: The hen group?
Chloe: Lucas! That’s not nice.
Lucas: It’s a bunch of women clucking about nothing, right?
Chloe: There’s more to it than that. It’s actually a group that helps to improve relationships between couples.
Lucas: Are you saying that you sit around and talk to a group of strangers about our private life?
Chloe: Not exactly strangers. See, the women are all people we know.
Lucas: Like who?
Chloe: There’s Maggie and your mother. Nicole, Sami, Hope, Stephanie, Chelsea, and Melanie.
Lucas: What??? I can’t believe you all sit around talking about me!
Chloe: Not just about YOU.
Lucas: Why don’t you invite Carrie, and then you can all REALLY rip me to shreds.
Chloe: It’s not like that, Lucas.
Lucas: Why are you wasting your time with a group like that, when you should be home taking care of Allie.
Chloe: Jeez Lucas. I’m your wife, not your nursemaid.
Lucas: I need to get some air. I’m going for a ride on the ferry.
[He leaves and Chloe turns off the camcorder.]


CHELSEA AND STEPHANIE’S APARTMENT

Max: Ooh, a video camera. I love gadgets!
Chelsea: Max, I need to tell you about my women’s group.
Max: Give me a minute. I want to see what happens when I press this……………………………………………………


NBC BOARDROOM

Dorkay: Molly, girl, you crack me up. I love how Max the Mechanic screwed up the camcorder.
Molly: Thank you, sir.
Dorkay: He can fix it though, can’t he? I don’t think SONY will give us another one.
Molly: It’s working fine sir. He was just pretending. You know ... acting.
Dorkay: Good. What’s next?
Molly: What would you like to see?
Dorkay: Sami. Sami and...um...


To be continued....

[Kpatch]

NBC BOARDROOM

Dorkay: Molly, girl, you crack me up. I love how Max the mechanic screwed up the camcorder.
Molly: Thank you sir.
Dorkay: He can fix it though, can’t he? I don’t think SONY will give us another one.
Molly: It’s working fine sir. He was just pretending. You know ... acting.
Dorkay: Good. What’s next?
Molly: What would you like to see?
Dorkay: Sami. Sami and...um...Sami and ... Lucas?
Molly: Sami isn’t with Lucas anymore.
Dorkay: Sami and ... EJ?
Molly: Sami is with Rafe right now.
Dorkay: Who’s Rafe?


THE PENTHOUSE APARTMENT

[Sami has set up the video camera before Rafe arrives.]
Sami: Thanks for babysitting Grace and the twins every morning.
Rafe: No problem. I love spending time with the kids.
Sami: That’s good. Because these classes I take in the morning are really for you.
Rafe: For me? What do you mean?
Sami: It’s a women’s group designed to help couples build stronger relationships.
Rafe: I see.
Sami: What’s the matter? You seem angry.
Rafe: I can’t help but wonder who you want to build a stronger relationship with.
Sami: I just told you.
Rafe: I don’t buy it, Sami. I think you may be using me for practice, but when it comes to the real thing, it’s still EJ you want.
Sami: I can’t believe you said that!
Rafe: EJ is always your motivation for doing something or not doing something.
Sami: Rafe, where is this attitude coming from?
Rafe: I know you Sami, maybe better than anyone. You’ve built your whole life around keeping secrets. And I’m tired of enabling you. Go find yourself another babysitter.
[He storms out.]
Sami [making a phone call]: Hi Grandma Caroline. Can you come over and watch Grace and the twins for me? I have something really important I need to do.
[She leaves the room while the camera continues to tape the empty room.]


NBC BOARDROOM

Dorkay: Ooh, I can’t wait to find out what’s going to happen with Sami and Rafe. Did he leave her for good? Will she get him back? What’s the really important thing she needs to do?
Molly: I thought you didn’t like shows about love and relationships and build-up.
Dorkay: Oh, you’re right. I forgot. Who’s next on the list?
Molly: Philip and Stephanie.


To be continued ...

[Kpatch]

[Production Note: Today’s episode contains partial nudity and is intended for mature audiences only.]

NBC BOARDROOM

Dorkay: Ooh, I can’t wait to find out what’s going to happen with Sami and Rafe. Did he leave her for good? Will she get him back? What’s the really important thing she needs to do?
Molly: I thought you didn’t like shows about love and relationships and build-up.
Dorkay: Oh, you’re right. I forgot. Who’s next on the list?
Molly: Philip and Stephanie.
Dorkay: Sounds boring. Wake me up when it’s over.


THE KIRIAKIS MANSION

Philip: What’s the camera for? Is this going to get kinky?
Stephanie: It could, but it won’t.
Philip: Then why are you filming me?
Stephanie: I need to videotape us for my breakfast club group.
Philip: Oh right, how’s that going?
Stephanie: It’s going fine. I don’t think I told you exactly what it’s all about.
Philip [singing]: What’s it all about, Stephie?
Stephanie: Ha ha. Very funny. At the group, we all go around the room and talk about our significant others. The purpose is to help us have a better relationship with our boyfriends and husbands.
Philip: So, you talk about me?
Stephanie: Yes.
Philip: Do you tell them about when we do this? [He kisses her. She kisses him back. Things get pretty hot and heavy. You could say they get carried away. The camcorder films knees, backs, panties, camisoles. The lens fogs up, inappropriate music plays, and Stephanie and Philip completely forget that the camera is still rolling.]
Stephanie: Wait.
Philip: Wait for what? I’m using protection.
Stephanie: No, not that. You never listen to me.
Philip: Huh?
Stephanie: I’m trying to talk to you about something important, and all you want to do is get physical.
Philip: So? I thought you liked that.
Stephanie: I do, but there’s more to our relationship than just the physical aspect.
Philip: OK, tell me what you want to talk about.
Stephanie: See, that proves it!
Philip: Proves what?
Stephanie: That you never listen. You should already know.
Philip: Know what?
Stephanie: Never mind. I can’t do this anymore, Philip. We’re through! I want you to leave.
Philip: This is my house.
Stephanie: See ... it’s always your way or no way. I’m leaving!
[Stephanie leaves. Philip takes out his BLACKBERRY, scrolls to the “Stephanie” listing, and enters the following score: “Stephanie 17, Philip zero.”]


NBC BOARDROOM

Dorkay: That last scene was pretty good, considering that it was Philip and Stephanie. They’re usually boring, but that scene was hot! And it had a lot of action going on. But I didn’t understand what Stephanie was talking about. It made no sense.
Molly: That was sort of the point.
Dorkay: Huh?
Molly: Stephanie’s lines are always full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
Dorkay: In that case, I’d say her lines were perfect. Who’s next?
Molly: Bo and Hope.


To be continued....

[Kpatch]

NBC BOARDROOM

Dorkay: That last scene was pretty good, considering that was Philip and Stephanie. They’re usually boring, but that scene was hot and had a lot of action going on. But I didn’t understand what Stephanie was talking about. It made no sense.
Molly: That was sort of the point.
Dorkay: Huh?
Molly: Stephanie’s lines are always full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
Dorkay: In that case, I’d say her lines were perfect. Who’s next?
Molly: Bo and Hope. But I think we need to get back to the breakfast club meetings first.
Dorkay: I agree. Go for it.


THE DAILY CEREAL CLUB

Chelsea: What are you eating, Melanie? It looks yummy.
Melanie [pointing to the array of products:] DANNON YOGURT with KRETSCHMER WHEAT GERM, COCOA PEBBLES, and a short STARBUCKS LATTE.

Maggie: Caroline Brady was supposed to join us for today’s group, but she got stuck babysitting, so her daughter, Dr. Kayla Johnson, is going to be filling in for her.

Kayla: My mother was going to talk about the importance of faith in a relationship. But I’m going to discuss something equally important. I’m going to talk about not being a victim. How many of you have been a victim?
[Stephanie, Nicole, and Sami raise their hands.]
Kayla: I’ve been a victim too, and ladies, I urge you to consider taking classes and taking back control of your life. Maggie is handing out assertiveness training and self-defense brochures. On a related topic, sometimes in a relationship, people use sex as a weapon or a means of controlling the other person. Don’t mistake sex with love, and don’t mistake control for caring. Even if you haven’t been a victim per se, some of you are allowing men to control your lives. You are giving up control of your own life in order to have a man in your life. Trust me. That’s not the way to have a healthy relationship.
Maggie: Thank you for that important message, Kayla. I would like to introduce Kayla’s colleague, Dr. Lexie Carver.
Lexie: I have two words for all of you: Birth Control. These pamphlets I’m handing out deal with planned parenthood. Please please please, ladies, read them! And here are some LIFESTYLE CONDOMS. Please please please, use them. The fans don’t want anymore pregnancy or who’s the daddy stories.


LATER THAT DAY AT BO AND HOPE’S HOUSE

Hope: Brady, I just turned on the camcorder because I need to tape our conversation.
Bo: Isn’t that a violation of my privacy rights?
Hope: Cute Brady, but you gave up your right to privacy as soon as we had children.
Bo: So what’s the deal with the camera?
Hope: That Daily Cereal support group I’m involved with ... for my homework, I’m supposed to explain to you that we are discussing our relationship as part of the class.
Bo: I know. You already told me about it. So, by now, I assume everyone in your group knows how perfect I am.
Hope: They absolutely do, Brady. [She kisses him.]
Bo: I love you, Fancy Face.

To be continued....

[Kpatch]

NBC BOARDROOM

Dorkay: Damn. No one is here.
Molly: I’m here.
Dorkay: No actors are here. No cameramen, no coffee girl. What are we going to do??? Wait. I have an idea. We’ll run lots of flashbacks.
Molly: I have a better idea. I’ve taken some cuts from past episodes and spliced them together so it looks like a new episode. Take a look.


SALEM UNIVERSITY HOSPITAL

Daniel: Chloe, what are you doing here? Do you have a doctor's appointment?
Chloe: No. I heard you volunteered to role-play with the women in my club who don’t have a significant other.
Daniel: That’s right.
Chloe: I wish you could play with me.
Daniel: What happened when you told Lucas about your breakfast club meetings?
Chloe: It didn’t go so well. He doesn’t seem to want me to do anything outside the hearth and home.
Daniel: I’m really sorry to hear that. What ever happened to Vancouver?
Chloe: I had to turn it down.
Daniel: That’s too bad.
Chloe: I would have been playing Laurie in Oklahoma. The songs are in my voice range. It would have been perfect.
Daniel: You could sing for ME.
Chloe: Really? Would you role-play with me?


NBC BOARDROOM

Dorkay: Stop, stop, stop. Are you crazy? I told you, Nadia isn’t here. No one is here who can sing.
Molly: Never fear. I have it covered, sir.


SALEM UNIVERSITY HOSPITAL

Daniel: You could sing for ME.
Chloe: Really? Would you role-play with me?
Daniel: That sounds like fun. I’d love to.

[Readers: Please click here to WATCH Chloe and Daniel perform : ]

Daniel: Chloe, that was amazing
Chloe: You were amazing too, Daniel. I never realized you could sing so well. You may have missed your calling. Is there anything you can’t do?
Daniel: If there is, I haven’t found it yet. Cigarette?
Chloe: Thanks.

[Meanwhile, Molly and Dorkay have recruited some "actors" off the street.]
THE DAILY CEREAL CLUB

Maggie: While we wait for the writers to come in, wanna play a game?
Class: Yes! Yes! Yes!
Maggie: How many women here have slept with at least one of the current boyfriends or husbands of someone else in this group?
[Most everyone raises their hand.]
Maggie: I have a box of hard-to-find THOMAS’ TOASTER CAKES for the member who slept with the highest number of current boyfriends or husbands of other members. Nicole?
Nicole: One. Lucas. Does it have to be “current”? Or can we include exes of people here. Then you could throw in Victor and Brady and...
Maggie: Sorry, Nicole, no. Chloe?
Chloe: One. Philip.
Maggie: Melanie?
Melanie: None, dang it. Does it count if I WANTED to sleep with them?
Maggie: Sorry, honey, no. Kate?
Kate: This isn’t a fair game. Two of these women are involved with my sons, so I’m immediately at a disadvantage. That’s not fair.
Maggie: No whining. Chelsea?
Chelsea: None.
Maggie: Stephanie?
Stephanie: One. Max.
Maggie: Sami?
Sami: Two. EJ and Lucas.
Maggie: Hope?
Hope: None.
Maggie: Congratulations Sami. Here are the TOASTER CAKES.
Sami: I can’t eat these.
Maggie: Why not?
Sami: The trainers on BIGGEST LOSER would kill me.

To be continued....

[Kpatch]

NBC BOARDROOM

Dorkay: I’m feeling a little claustrophobic.
Molly: Why?
Dorkay: I’m getting bored with the same set.
Molly: But the Brady Pub is all we have.
Dorkay: I know that. And you know that. But the readers don’t have to know that.
Molly: Um ... What do you want me to do?
Dorkay: Write a scene that takes place somewhere besides the junior college.
Molly: But we just had all those scenes at people’s homes. Not to mention the scene at the hospital. Doesn’t that count?
Dorkay: Don’t question my authority, little one. Just do as I say.
Molly: Yes, sir.


THE DAILY CEREAL CLUB IS MEETING TODAY AT CHEZ ROUGE

Nicole: What have you got there, Melanie?
Melanie: The Chez Rouge chef made me some BISQUICK PANCAKES with AUNT JEMIMA SYRUP.

Maggie: I know I said that we would view all the videotapes of you and your significant others together here in class, but due to the highly personal (ahem) nature of some of the tapes, I am going to keep them confidential. I did review all the tapes myself ... one of them several times ... and I have some comments. I have written two words on each of these pieces of paper that I’m about to hand out. [She hands out the papers one at a time.]

Stephanie: “Clingy and schizophrenic?” Who? Me or Philip?
Maggie: You. As for Philip, he’s a hunk! By the way, Mickey and I REALLY enjoyed your video.
Chelsea: “Irritatingly immature?” Both of us?
Maggie: Mostly Max.
Chloe: “Boring, unemotional.”
Maggie: Correct.
Nicole: “Pathetically needy.” She’s right.
Sami: “Incessantly argumentative.”
Maggie: Correct. Hope, why are you smiling?
Hope: I like what mine says. “Practically perfect.”
Maggie: I’m going to say something I’ve never said in all my years of leading these groups. You and your men are all wrong for each other. Every last one of you.
Hope: What?!
Maggie: Well, except for you and Bo. But as for the rest of you -- that’s why you fight so much and try too hard. If you were with the right person, the relationship wouldn’t be so much work. I’ve invited Dr. Marlena Evans to join us for tomorrow’s meeting. Whatever you do, do not skip tomorrow’s class.


NBC BOARDROOM

Dorkay: Molly, we have a huge problem. I mean huge!
Molly: Uh oh. What is it?

To be continued.... Tune in later today for a very special not-to-be-missed episode

Dorkay [mockingly]: "Tune in later today for a very special not-to-be-missed episode." Quit being such a drama queen, Molly.
Molly: Sorry. Sometimes I can't help myself.

[Kpatch]

NBC BOARDROOM

Molly: How did your negotiations with Diedre go?
Dorkay: With her agent, you mean. These divas never negotiate on their own.
Molly: Well, is she coming on Friday?
Dorkay: No.
Molly: What do you mean "no"! Why not???
Dorkay: Because!!! Her agent said that no amount of money could persuade her to come back.
Molly: What did you offer her?
Dorkay: No amount of money.
Molly: Didn’t you tell her agent that this is a pivotal episode?
Dorkay: Of course I did. Do you think I was born yesterday? This wasn’t my first negotiation, you know!
Molly: And that Marlena gives the women of Salem some life-changing advice in Friday’s show?
Dorkay: I know. I know. I know. I suppose you think YOU could have done better.
Molly: What are we going to do now? Marlena’s role is critical to the whole Daytime Cereal. Without Marlena, we have no denouement.
Dorkay: No day-new-WHAT?
Molly: Denouement. It’s French. It’s a theater term that means the final resolution or clarification of a dramatic or narrative plot.
Dorkay: Huh?
Molly: It means we need Marlena or this whole story goes down the crapper.
Dorkay: I guess we could hit the streets again and see who passes by.
Molly: Actually, the street is closed off. They’re having an outdoor concert. It's a telethon for actors who lost their jobs in 2008 and 2009.
Dorkay: Damn. I hate these bleeding-heart fundraisers.
Molly: Maybe if we contact the fan site, someone will volunteer.
Dorkay: Hmmm. All those fans have been pretty decent actors so far.
Molly: I’ll put out an ad.

To be continued ...