Daytime Cereal (Read 1,558 times)

[Kpatch]

THE DAILY CEREAL CLUB

Melanie: I brought POP-TARTS TOASTER PASTRIES, if anyone wants some.

Maggie: We are privileged today to have world-renowned psychiatrist Dr. Marlena Evans with us. Thank you for coming, Marlena.
Marlena: Call me Dr. Evans. I’m pleased to be here. Maggie has shared with me her notes from these groups and I’ve had the chance to review your videotapes. I must say... I’m worried. I know most of you. You are either my daughter, a former step-daughter-in-law, a former sister-in-law, a former niece, or you are dating, engaged, or married to one of my former sons-in-law, stepsons, or brothers-in-law.
Sami: Why did you say you’re worried, Mom?
Marlena: Call me Dr. Evans. I’m worried because all of you are so wrapped up in the men you are with, that you have lost your own identity -- except for you, Hope. Your whole self-worth is tied to a man -- except for you, Hope.
Hope: Thanks Marlena!
Marlena: Call me Dr. Evans. In order to be truly worthy of a man’s love, of anyone’s love, you need to become your own person.
Nicole: I’m not following you, Dr. Evans.
Marlena: I’m not surprised. Ladies, you need to cultivate interests, a career, something other than lying and scheming. Stop working so hard to fit into HIS world. Make him fit into your world, let him find out what you’re interested in. Make him buy your chairs.
Chloe: Excuse me???
Marlena: Did you ever see the film Phenomenon?
Melanie: Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Chelsea: I’ll have what she’s having.
Nicole: No, that was When Harry Met Sally.
Sami: I love Billy Crystal.
Melanie: I loooooooooove John Travolta.
Marlena: Settle down, ladies. In the movie Phenomenon, John Travolta’s character was trying to win over a particular woman. As it happened, she made chairs.
Chelsea: Like LA-Z-BOY recliners?
Stephanie: No, they were Queen Anne chairs.
Marlena: No, she fashioned them out of reeds by hand. John Travolta bought them from her to show that he appreciated her craft. It also gave him an excuse to see her, but it was deeper than that. He respected her art.
Chloe: Her art? Like opera singing?
Marlena: Yes, that would be a good comparison.
Chloe: Lucas would rather have me stay at home and take care of Allie than accept an opportunity to sing opera.
Marlena: What does that tell you?
Chloe: That I should have stayed with Brady.
Nicole [angrily]: Hey!
Chloe: Or Philip.
Stephanie [angrily]: Hey!
Maggie: Or Daniel.
Chloe [angrily]: Hey!
Marlena: What else does it tell you?
Chloe: That Lucas doesn’t buy my chairs. He doesn’t respect me or value the same things I do.
Marlena: Exactly. Ladies, whether it’s work-related, a hobby, or community service, I urge you to put your energy into something you’re passionate about -- something that tugs at your heartstrings. I promise that your life will be more fulfilling if you do. Remember, every woman has her chairs, something she needs to put herself into. You each need to find your chairs, something outside of the man’s chair.
Melanie: Wow, that’s really cool. I have to find my chairs. Thanks Marlena!
Marlena: You’re welcome.


NBC BOARDROOM

Dorkay: Wait a fargin’ minute. How come it’s okay for you to call her Marlena and she makes everyone else call her Dr. Evans?
Molly: Because I wrote the scene.
Dorkay: Oh. OK. Go ahead and finish the chapter.


THE DAILY BREAKFAST CLUB

Maggie: I know we discussed inviting your boyfriends and husbands to this class when we first started. Now I am convinced that it is vitally important for them to be here. I want you to bring your significant others to our final meeting on Monday. We need to get their perspective before going forward or making any important decisions.


To be continued....

[Kpatch]

NBC BOARDROOM

Dorkay: Molly, we’ve been working pretty closely together for the past few weeks.
Molly: Tell me about it! It feels like I’ve been in witness protection confinement.
Dorkay: Me too. Sort of like I’m Rafe and you’re Sami.
Molly: Huh?
Dorkay: Molly, you’re not like any of the other women I’ve ever known before.
Molly: Um, okay.
Dorkay: You’re different. You stand up to me while everyone else just cowers in fear. You excite me.
Molly: Mr. Dorkay!
Dorkay: Molly girl, I’m in love with you.
Molly: Don’t come any closer, okay?
Dorkay: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about me that way. Romantically, I mean.
Molly: I haven’t. I swear.
Dorkay: Do you think you could...
Molly: Could what?
Dorkay: ...Love me too?

[Readers: Please click here to see Dorkay singing to Molly: ]

[Dorkay kisses Molly.]
Molly: Oh, Mr. Dorkay.
Dorkay: Call me Dick.
Molly: Yes, Mr. Dorkay.
Dorkay: Call me Dick.
Molly: Mr. Dorkay, wake up.
Dorkay [waking up]: What? What’s going on? Where am I?
Molly: You were asleep on the conference table here. You must have been having a weird dream.
Dorkay: Why? What did I say?
Molly: You kept repeating, “call me Dick.” What were you dreaming about?
Dorkay: Um. I don’t exactly remember. Maybe an old Dick Van Dyke episode.
Molly: Whoa, exciting stuff. I think you need to get a life.
Dorkay: Speaking of getting a life, what are you doing here on a Saturday?
Molly: I just came in for a minute to post the previews for next week, then I’m outta here.

[Kpatch]

THE DAILY CEREAL CLUB

Maggie: Gentlemen, thank you for joining us today for what will be our final meeting. How many of you were told by your significant other that you were coming to this meeting this morning?
[Only Bo raises his hand.]
Philip: I thought we were going out to breakfast.
Rafe: I thought Sami and I were going to pick up the twins from Sami’s grandmother.
Max: I thought we were going for a morning jog.
Lucas: I thought Chloe and I were going to pick up the twins from Sami’s grandmother.
Bo: Hope told me we were coming here.
Maggie: Well, we do have breakfast for everyone. Please help yourself to some KRISPY KREME DONUTS and STARBUCKS coffee.
[The men munch away at their donuts.]
Maggie: Oh, I see you’ve already helped yourselves. I’ve also invited Brady and Roman just to even things out for those group members who aren’t hooked up yet. Thank you for being here, Roman and Brady.
Roman: Hey, I’ll show up anywhere for donuts.
Brady: I thought I was coming to an AA meeting.
Maggie: I’m sure you men have been wondering what these daily breakfast meetings are all about. Hardly any of the women were successful in explaining this class during the videotapings.
Philip: The videotape!?! ****. Steph, you told me you destroyed the tape!
Maggie: No way. Destroying that tape would be akin to sacrilege! Now that it’s on YouTube, that tape will live on in perpetuity.
Melanie: I agree, Maggie. It’s a keeper!
EJ: I thought these daily classes were a sham. I thought Nicole was making it up. I never imagined these meetings were real.
Maggie: That’s part of the problem, EJ. That, and your incessant blinking. Actually, the fact that most of you were brought here under false pretenses is exactly the reason I wanted you all to come. Now, I want each of you to pull one of the pieces of paper out of this basket I’m holding. Men will pick a blue piece of paper and women will pick a pink piece of paper. Each piece of paper has a number on it and each number will appear only twice. Your number corresponds to a section of this room. When you have your number, go stand in the designated area of the room.
Max: Can I take my donuts with me?
[Everyone pulls a piece of paper and goes to stand in the marked area.]
Maggie: As you will notice, each one of you is paired with a member of the opposite sex. This is your new significant other, because most of you have gotten it all wrong up to now. These are the new couples: Sami and Brady. Stephanie and EJ. Nicole and Rafe. Lucas and Hope. Philip and Kate. Bo and Chelsea. Melanie and Max. Roman and Chloe.


NBC BOARDROOM

Dorkay: Melanie! I mean Molly! Are you crazy??? This is what you do??? Pick names out of a hat to pair people up?
Molly: Sir, I was told that’s what you’ve been doing for the past 10 years ... determining couples by picking names out of a hat.
Dorkay: That’s true. But you paired a mother and son, a father and daughter, a brother and sister, and a step-brother and step-sister. Do it again. And this time, get it right!


To be continued....

[Kpatch]

NBC BOARDROOM

Dorkay: Are you crazy??? This is what you do??? Pick names out of a hat to pair people up?
Molly: Sir, I was told that’s what you’ve done for the past 10 years -- determine couples by picking names out of a hat.
Dorkay: That’s true. But you paired a mother and son, a father and daughter, a brother and sister, and a step-brother and step-sister.
Molly: And don’t forget the two cousins -- Lucas and Hope.
Dorkay: Do it again. And this time, get it right!
Molly: Yes, sir.


DAILY CEREAL CLUB

Maggie: These are the new couples: Sami and Lucas. Stephanie and Rafe. Nicole and Roman. Max and Hope. Philip and Melanie. Bo and Chloe. Kate and Brady. Chelsea and EJ.

NBC BOARDROOM
Dorkay: Sami and Lucas? That’s so 10 years ago. And nobody wants to see Melanie with Philip.
Molly: I do.
Dorkay: The readers are going to get invested in these couples and they’re all wrong for each other. Except for Bo and Hope. Take Bo and Hope out of the mix. Just take them out. Out out out. They’re untouchable. Now try again.
Molly: Yes, sir.

DAILY CEREAL CLUB

Maggie: These are the new couples: Sami and Roman. Stephanie and Brady. Nicole and Max. Lucas and Kate. Philip and Melanie. Rafe and Chelsea. EJ and Chloe.


NBC BOARDROOM
Dorkay: No no no. That’s still not right. I told you not to put Philip with Melanie.
Molly: Dang, I was hoping you wouldn’t notice.
Dorkay: And get Chelsea and Max out of there. Out out out. They’re leaving the show anyway. Now try again.
Molly: Yes, sir.


DAILY CEREAL CLUB

Maggie: These are the new couples: Sami and EJ. Stephanie and Roman. Nicole and Lucas. Daniel and Kate. Melanie and Brady. Philip and Chloe.

NBC BOARDROOM
Dorkay: Well, we’re a little closer but we’re not there yet. Leave Sami and EJ. About half the fans will like that. And leave Kate and Daniel, and Philip and Chloe. Wait a second. Where did Daniel come from? Nicole shouldn’t be with Lucas. Roman is old enough to be Stephanie’s uncle. And what happened to Rafe? Try again.
Allison: No wait. I don’t want to be with EJ!
Dorkay: What?
Allison: EJ is a freak show. He’s violent, controlling, blinks too much and has that fake British accent.
Dorkay: Alli, please. We wrote your pregnancy into the script. Do it our way. Just this once.
Maggie: Dick, don’t you get it? Sami is finally asserting herself. Good for you, Sami!
Dorkay: What? Wait a second. The lines between reality and fiction are getting blurred. Quick Molly, do something!
Molly: I need a drink.

To be continued... Tune in for the first part of the finale

[Kpatch]

THREE MONTHS LATER...THE DAILY CEREAL CLUB REUNION MEETING

Stephanie: What are you drinking, Melanie?
Melanie: SLIM-FAST. I’ve gained so much weight over the past few months.

Maggie: Ladies, I’m so happy to see all of you. Let’s go around the room and everyone can give us an update about their lives and loves. Nicole, why don’t we start with you.

Nicole: I’ve been trying to distance myself from the DiMera evil by doing some good deeds. Twice a week, I volunteer at the local soup kitchen. And I’m mentoring a teenager for real.
Maggie: That’s wonderful, Nicole, I’m really proud of you. OK, Sami, tell us what you’ve been up to?
Sami: I opened a day care center.
Maggie: That sounds like quite an undertaking.
Sami: It is, but Grandma Caroline works for me and is a huge help. I’m also involved with a group called YMASORAS.
Maggie: What’s that all about?
Sami: It’s Young Mothers Against Soap Opera Rapid Aging Syndrome. Its purpose is to prevent young mothers like me from becoming grandmothers before we turn 35.
Maggie: And your love life?
Sami: Well, it’s sort of on hold. I decided I need to be by myself for awhile. I’ll probably end up with Rafe, but I really feel like I need to stand on my own two feet.
Maggie: Good for you! Chloe, why don’t you bring us up to date?
Chloe: The last time I was here at the junior college, I saw a job posting on the bulletin board for a voice coach.
Maggie: And?
Chloe: I got the job! I also got a job singing at Doug’s Place on the weekends.
Maggie: How does Lucas feel about you working so much? What about Allie?
Chloe: Lucas is getting used to it. He’s mostly being supportive. And it doesn’t hurt that Allie’s enrolled in Sami’s day care center. How could Lucas possibly have a problem with Allie being cared for by her own mother?

Maggie: Excellent! Stephanie, tell us what’s going on with you.
Stephanie: Well, when Philip got shot, I felt so helpless. I kept thinking that my mother would have known what to do while waiting for the ambulance. So I’ve taken some courses and am now a certified emergency medical technician.
Maggie: Wow, that’s fabulous, Stephanie! And what’s going on with you and Philip?
Stephanie: I’m on my own for now. Like Sami, I realized that I need to work on being less needy before I can have a fulfilling relationship. Maybe in time, it will turn out that Philip is “the one,” but I’ve finally realized that it’s not all about me and what I want to GET from a relationship. I need to be able to bring something to the relationship too.
Maggie: And you, Chelsea?

Chelsea: Max and I are going into a medical practice together outside of Salem. He just completed a correspondence course and became a doctor, and I’m going to work alongside him as an occupational and physical therapist.

Maggie: Kate, dear, what have you been up to?
Kate: In addition to running Hearth and Home, I’ve started a local chapter of Dress for Success, an organization that helps women get back on their feet after a setback and helps them prepare for the workforce. The website is dressforsuccess.org. I’m working with colleagues from Titan, Basic Black and, of course, Chez Rouge on this venture.
Maggie: It’s a worthwhile organization if anyone here has interest. And Melanie, dear, tell us what you’re up to.
Kate: Oh wait. I didn’t finish. I need to tell you about my personal life. Would you like to know who I’m dating?
Maggie: Yes, do tell us!
Kate: Roman and I have started dating again.
Maggie: That’s interesting. I hope it works out for you. OK, Melanie....

Melanie: Well, as everyone knows, I loooove to shop. So in addition to my job at the hospital, I’m supplementing my income as a personal shopper. It’s so much fun!!!
Maggie: Any young men in your life?
Melanie: I’m playing the field, but I’m still too young to get tied down, unless, of course, it’s Philip who’s tying me down.

Maggie: And last, but not least, Hope.
Hope: Well, this downturn in the economy made me realize that it’s too expensive for my family to eat out or order in all the time. So, I’m taking cooking classes.
Maggie: How’s that going?
Hope: Good! I’m enjoying it more than I expected to. Once you know a couple of cooking techniques, you can apply them to most anything.
Maggie: And as for the other part, do you want to tell them, Hope, or should I?


To be continued....

[Kpatch]

DAILY CEREAL CLUB

Maggie: And as for the other part, do you want to tell them, Hope, or should I?
Hope: You go ahead and tell them, Aunt Maggie.
Maggie: OK. I am pleased to announce that Hope will be taking over next semester as leader of the Daily Cereal Breakfast Club group.
Kate: What are YOU going to be doing, Maggie?
Maggie: Oh, I have plenty to do running my restaurant and doing charity work, as well as sitting on the hospital board, and, of course, giving Mickey the attention he deserves.
[The women all gather round to congratulate Hope, and chat with each other.]


NBC BOARDROOM

Dorkay: Nice wrap-up, Molly. But the series isn’t over.
Molly: The way things are going, it may as well be.
Dorkay: What do you mean?
Molly: I know you don’t want to hear this, Mr. Dorkay, but I’m going to say it anyway. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’re going to lose all your viewers and the show is going to get cancelled.
Dorkay: What do you mean “doing what I’m doing”?
Molly: You’re ignoring the heart of the show, the things that got you here, the reasons that people tune in to see soaps.
Dorkay: If you’re so smart, why don’t you tell me what those reasons are.
Molly: It’s not complicated. I’m talking about love and romance, supercouples, and veteran characters with meaningful histories. And families need to be at the center of the show. Not endless vendettas, yet another who’s-the-daddy story, rewrites of history, and couples with no emotion jumping into beds or elevators and having meaningless sex. No one wants to see that. They want to see characters they’ve grown to love, like John and Marlena, Steve and Kayla, and Jack and Jennifer. And they want to care about new couples who build up slowly, couples who have actual chemistry. Here, take this.
Dorkay: A DVD? What’s on it?
Molly: Take a look. It’s what you need to do to fix the show.
[Molly leaves as Dorkay starts the DVD. Please click on the link to view along.]




Tune in tomorrow for the epilogue....

[Kpatch]

NBC BOARDROOM

Molly: Mr. Dorkay, I need to talk to you.
Dorkay: Oy, what now?
Molly: I’ve learned a little something from the Daily Cereal group about standing up for myself. I’m giving you my notice, Mr. Dorkay.
Dorkay: Your notice? What do you mean?
Molly: I’ve been offered a job with the Young and the Reckless. I play Victor and Nicole’s long-lost daughter.
Dorkay: Victor and Nicole never had a child together.
Molly: Follow along, Mr. Dorkay. I’m not talking about Victor Kiriakis and Nicole Walker on Days. I’m talking about Victor and Nicole from the Young and the Reckless, the number-one rated daytime serial.
Dorkay: Why would you want to work THERE?
Molly: Duh. Like I said, they’re the number-one rated soap. Besides, they’ve agreed to pay me.
Dorkay: I hate those soaps that throw around money to entice actors to come work for them.
Molly: Not only that. Darin told me there’s a guest-starring role on BLUE MOUNTAIN STATE, his new SPIKE TV show, that I’d be perfect for ... something that could lead to a permanent prime-time gig for me.
Dorkay: I hate actors who think that prime-time is the be-all and end-all.
Molly: I thought you might at least pretend to be happy for me. Good-bye, Mr. Dorkay.
Dorkay: Wait, don’t go, Molly. I’ve grown accustomed to your face. You sort of make the day begin. I was serenely independent and content before we met. Now, darn it, you make me think about things. I don’t know what I’d do without you if you left. Stay with me, Molly, please.
Molly: Did you say “please”? I don’t think you’ve ever said that before.
Dorkay: I’m sincere, Molly. I don’t want to lose you. I’ve learned a lot from you, and I think we’re a great team.
Molly: I’ve learned a lot from you too, Mr. Dorkay. But it’s time for me to go earn a real salary. I have student loans to pay. Besides, I have a feeling you’ll do just fine without me. Just apply the strategies we discussed, and Days of Our Lives will be back to its glory days in no time. [She heads for the door.]
Dorkay: Wait. I don’t know if I can do this on my own anymore. Before you go, send in Taylor Selzter, uh Spritzer, Zestler, Tzeitl... Get Taylor in here for me, would you?


The End

[fluffysmom]

This was a fun read. The product placements made me laugh. Molly and Dorkay are funny. Thanks Kpatch.

[djm]

Boy that was a real fun read. Brought back so many memories. I needed the laugh after all the shoveling I just did.

[billiereed]

OMG this was supremely funny! I've been ROTF here at midnight, waking up my family laughing lol This was so good with lots of nuggets of truth as well. Great job!!