Chapter 20
The shower was bliss. Shane rested his forehead against the tiled wall and let the hot water cascade over his exhausted body. How could something as simple as a shower feel like the difference between civilization and barbarism?
Eventually, he had to get out, because the water began running cold. Shane dried off, wrapped the towel around himself, and collapsed on top of the bed. He expected to fall asleep immediately, but as soon as his head hit the pillow,the "on" switch in his brain flipped on and, no matter how hard he tried, it wouldn't turn off.
What was he going to do now? That tiny hope that the man in the picture was not Steve had flickered and died. Shane had to accept it.
He also had to be happy for Kayla. She deserved a fairytale ending -- happily ever after and all that rot. How many times had he said he wanted her to be happy? Wasn't that the core of their relationship, that they would try to grab some happiness despite the pain that still cut deep, the ache that would never fully go away. Getting back Steve would take away her pain.
And your pain? he asked himself. His pain didn't matter. Shane could cope with pain. He knew how to shut it away, deep inside, so it died, just like that tiny bit of hope. He had done it before. When he thought Emma had died in that car bombing, he had shut the pain away, buried himself in work, and soldiered on. When Kim walked out on him, the pain had been even worse, but he had still survived. He could wall off the pain and, just as he had promised himself after Kim left, he would never open himself up to that kind of emotion ever again. He would never let down his defenses again, not even to find a little happiness like he did with Kayla.
That is what he would do. He would focus on work, he would keep himself occupied and, most importantly, he would never let anyone see the pain.
He could do that. Shane would make it easy for Kayla. She would only see what he wanted her to see -- that he was happy for her. He would tell her that he was happy he could bring back her true love. Maybe he could convince himself that he believed it.
"Blast it," he muttered aloud.
Why the hell did doing the right thing have to hurt so bloody much?
It didn't matter. He never had any real choice about taking on the mission. If it hurt, it hurt. That was just the way things were.
He felt a sudden twinge of guilt. He was being callous. How could Shane really think about pain and hurt given what Steve had gone through for so many months? It wasn't just Kayla who deserved happiness; Steve did too.
Unfortunately, that thought did not make the pain go away.
Shane sat up, knowing it was pointless to try to sleep with the way his mind was racing. Was there such a thing as being too exhausted to sleep?
He thought back over what he told Steve and why he had not called Kayla. It was too dangerous; they didn't know Steve's condition; they had to protect Kayla. All of those were valid reasons, but he had nonetheless had hesitated every time he had passed a pay phone. Knowing about Steve probably would put her in no danger if he told her not to say anything. Shane could fill her in about Steve's condition in another call.
In fact, maybe it would be easier to tell her over the phone. That way he wouldn't have to see her reaction; he would not have to watch as all that pain disappeared and the true happiness that Shane couldn't give her returned.
Shane threw on some clothes and headed back outside. There was a pay phone down the hall, so he walked over to it and waited for one of the airmen to finish a call.
What time was it in Salem? Shane did some math and realized it was 1 a.m., still the middle of the night there. He couldn't call Kayla now. A call would wake Stephanie, and he knew how difficult it was to get her to go back to sleep.
Shane picked up the phone, punched in his ISA authorization code, and dialed. The phone was answered on the fourth ring.
"Yeah," said a sleepy voice.
"Roman, it's Shane. Sorry to wake you."
He could hear the rustling of sheets on the other end and Roman say, "It's Shane."
"I'm sorry, but if this is a bad time. . . ." Shane said, apologetically. He should have figured Roman might not be alone.
"Partner, it's 1 a.m. That's never a good time." The line went silent for a long moment, before Roman spoke again. "Isabella's back asleep, so we can talk. I'll be careful what I say though, just in case."
"Thanks." Shane took a deep breath and let it out. "It's him."
"Whoa," Roman said. "He okay?"
"Weak and he's lost a lot of weight. I don't know what else. I haven't spoken with his doctors yet. We think he was used as a guinea pig for some of Alamain's experiments."
"You mean Alamain took Ste-- I mean, him?"
Even though Roman could not see him, Shane nodded. "That's what our intel says."
"But why him? Alamain's bone to pick was with Bo and Carly."
Roman had a point, and Shane had been wondering about that as well. What was it about Steve that caused Lawrence to fake his death? Lawrence was vindictive; he sought revenge for past wrongs. That was why he targeted Bo. That was probably why he brought Kim back to Salem -- to interfere with Shane's life after the events in Alamainia. So why Steve? "I don't have a good answer for you," Shane finally said.
"What about Kay?" Roman asked. "Did you call her?"
Shane expected that question. "Not yet."
"Come on, partner, you can't leave her in the dark."
"I know, I know." Shane looked up at the ceiling and took a deep breath. "Bloody hell, Roman, how am I supposed to tell her? I can't just call her up and say, 'Kayla, it's Shane. Your husband's come back from the dead.' And then what? I tell her that I don't know when she can see him?"
Another silence. "This is hard on you, isn't it?"
"What do you think?" Shane asked, his voice rising. "Of course, it's bloody hard."
"You can't keep her in the dark forever, Shane," Roman said. He sounded sympathetic. "You're gonna have to tell her sometime."
"Of course I will. I just don't think it should be by phone." Shane knew that Roman was going to offer to break the news, but he cut that idea off immediately. "And don't you go telling her. It's too early. She'd want to see Steve immediately, and I don't yet know if that's safe for either of them. Besides, you're not supposed to have any knowledge of this operation. If it gets out that I told you, it's my head on the chopping block."
Shane could not tell if Roman was convinced, but he did say, "Fine, but don't put it off too long. It's not gonna get any easier for you."
Tell me something I don't know, Shane thought. "I will soon. Just don't say a word to anyone."
"I got it," Roman said. "So now tell me the real reason you called. I doubt you just wanted to have a heart-to-heart with your best friend at overseas long-distance rates."
Shane chuckled. "This is on the ISA's dime. The mission may have been unsanctioned, but I'm not paying the costs. Do you know what fuel for a Blackhawk helicopter must cost?"
"A Blackhawk? That must have been some job, partner. Oh right, it's a war story you can't tell. But seriously, what do you need?"
"Information, Roman. I need to know everyone that Lawrence Alamain has spoken with since he was incarcerated, and I need whatever the Salem PD and FBI have on Alamain's operations." Shane's mind started to turn toward the operation. "I need to know if it's safe to bring Steve back to Salem. There's no bloody point in bringing him home only for Lawrence to have someone take him out."
"I can do that," Roman answered. "But won't Alamain just track you down?"
Shane smiled. This was work. This was something he could focus on. "I don't think that would be possible. Lawrence shouldn't have a clue who attacked his compound, and he may not even know that Steve wasn't a casualty. That's a tactical advantage that I intend to keep for as long as possible during this operation."
"Shane, it's not an operation. It's. . . ." Roman's voice dropped to a whisper so soft, Shane could barely hear it. "Steve and Kayla."
"I know that," Shane said, even as he felt some of the pain lance through him. "Trust me when I say I have every intention to make this easy on Kay. So just get those Alamain files to the ISA field office, okay?"
Shane hung up the phone. He could start by reviewing the ISA files on Lawrence's recent activities. That would take hours. By the time he finished those, some of the Salem files would probably begin arriving by fax.
He smiled slightly. There was always work. Work would get Shane through this.
This is fracking fantastic.
