Chapter 38
Kayla watched Steve sleep and felt guilty again. She looked down at her hand, seeing the empty space where Shane's ring been. She had slipped it off as soon as she left the room to check on Stephanie. She could not tell if Steve suspected that she had been lying about the ring, but if she no longer had it on her hand, maybe he would just forget about it. She knew she had to tell Steve the truth -- and sooner rather than later -- but, first, there was something else she had to do. She had to find Shane and return his ring.
And I have a few other choice things to say to Shane Donovan, she thought.
Leaving the bedroom, she headed downstairs. Reaching the first floor, she looked for someone, anyone, who could tell her where Shane was. She shook her head; there was only silence. The house was so massive that she did not even have a clue which way to go.
She chose straight ahead and soon found herself wandering a series of dark corridors lined with portraits, probably of generations of Donovans. With a sense of surprise, Kayla realized that it had only been a few hours earlier that she had been worried about the differences between her and Shane. That seemed ages ago. In an instant, her entire life had changed. No, that wasn't exactly right -- in an instant, her entire life had returned.
Eventually, Kayla's wanderings led her to the kitchen that looked like something out of a movie set in the 1700s. It had old ovens that probably needed wood or coal for fire, pots and pans hanging from the ceiling, and long wooden counters that probably had seen decades, possibly centuries, of use. At one of the counters, Worthington was placing some food on a tray. He stopped as he looked at her.
"Madame Johnson, may I assist you?"
"No," she said. "Well, yes, I guess. I was looking for Shane."
"Ah, I believe Master Donovan was last seen in the stables." He pointed out a window to a building in the distance. "That's where they are."
Kayla found a door and stepped out into the warm summer day. Any other time, she might enjoy walking the grounds of Donovan Manor, but not now. She marched toward the building Worthington had pointed out and pushed open the door.
Shane was crouched next to Andrew, who was petting a reddish-brown pony. "And Jester here--" He stopped abruptly as he saw Kayla enter. He must have detected from the expression on her face that she intended to have a serious discussion, because he looked back at Andrew. "Hey, Sport, why don't you go outside for a few minutes? Aunt Kayla and I need to talk about something. When we're done, I'll show you how to put on the bridle and saddle, and then you can take Jester for a little ride. How does that sound?"
"Okay," Andrew said, and he ran past Kayla and out the door. She closed the door behind him, before turning back toward Shane.
"Hello, Kayla," he said politely. "I'm surprised to see you. I figured you would still be with Steve."
"How long did you know?" she demanded.
"Kay. . . ." Shane sounded hesitant.
That was not a good response. Her voice rose, "I said, how long did you know?"
Shane took a deep breath. "I found out the night before I left Salem," he said.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Kayla began to pace. "He's my husband for god's sake. How could you keep that a secret from me?"
Shane answered, "The mission was classified. I couldn't tell you."
"Don't tell me that, Shane Donovan." Kayla did not actually know where the anger was coming from, but it was there nonetheless. "You could have told me Steve was alive."
"And what if it turned out to be false?" he said. "All I had was a blurry photo of a man who looked like Steve."
"It didn't matter," she yelled. "If there was any chance, you should have told me."
Shane turned away and shook his head. "So you could have gone through what Kim did when Andrew was kidnapped? Gotten your hopes up only to see them crushed, only to feel like you lost him all over again?" He sighed, and kicked at something on the ground. "Does it even matter? You have Steve back. You can be happy again."
He had a point and Kayla was about to relent, but then something popped into her head. "You told Roman, didn't you? That's why you called him the other night and not me, isn't it?" Shane did not answer, but his silence confirmed her suspicion. "How could you? How could you tell my brother but not me?"
Shane shook his head. "You don't understand, Kay. It's not like I went to Roman to tell him about Steve. I needed him to know where I was going in case the ISA suppressed information about the operation -- so that if I just disappeared, someone would know the truth and tell Andrew and Eve."
"I don't believe you," she said. "Besides, you could have told me after you knew it was Steve. When you called me and Kim, why didn't you say it then? Why the lies to get us to come here?"
"What was I going to say? 'Hi, Kay, your dead husband's alive and you need to get on the next flight to England?'"
Kayla nodded. "That would've been a good start."
"Fine," Shane said, slowly. "I should have said that. Does that make you happy? You can now go ahead and be mad at me so you don't have to feel guilty about moving on with your life."
"Guilt has nothing to do with it," she insisted. Does it? Was she trying to find reason to be angry with Shane so she didn't feel guilty?
"If that helps you be happy, so be it." Shane looked at her and, for the first time, she saw the pain in his eyes. "I only want you to be happy, Kay. That's all I ever wanted."
She began to soften. This had to be hard on him. She looked down, because she could not look into his eyes any more. "You just should have been honest with me, Shane. You should have told me he might be alive -- that the only man who ever meant anything to me was alive."
There was a long silence, and Kayla looked up. Shane was standing there stiffly, his face an expressionless mask. She stared at him.
What happened? He no longer seemed like the man who had cared about her, the man who had pushed her to love him. He was acting like the Shane of the summer before, the man who had gone to Alamainia with her and spouted off about his "objectives" when people he should have cared about were in danger. He was acting like the man she accused of having no feelings.
Kayla's mind ran back over the conversation and she realized what she had just said.
The only man who ever meant anything to me. "Oh, god, Shane, I didn't mean it like that."
In a tone devoid of emotion, Shane said, "It's okay, Kayla. I understand."
"No, it's not okay." Kayla felt awash in guilt. Shane had only wanted to see her happy, and she had just told him that their relationship was meaningless. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be," he said flatly. "Today seems to be the day for uncomfortable truths to come out."
"What does that mean?" she asked.
Shane just shook his head. "Never mind. I've got a son outside who's waiting to ride his new pony, so if you'll excuse me, Kayla, I'll take my leave." He reached for the rope attached to the pony, but she grabbed his arm.
"Wait, Shane, please." She searched her mind, trying to figure out how to make things better. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. What we had. . . . It was important to me. You made me feel loved again. You helped me live again when I didn't think I could possibly get through the pain. I can't just pretend--"
"Sweetness?" Steve's voice called out from outside the stable.
Oh, god, Steve, Kayla thought.
What did he hear? Shane pulled his arm free of her hand just as the door opened and Steve walked in. Kayla wondered if the guilt was as evident on her face as she thought, but she smiled, stepped toward Steve, and put an arm around him.
"Um, Steve," she said. "What are you doing here? You're supposed to be sleeping."
. That's not a fanfic story that's a friggin novel!!! 
